deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Feeling of Lost
I watched another sun come up
And another sun has set
As shadows lengthen into the night
But nights no darker than the day
And my life
Both good and bad
Lies wasted in the stain
The feeling of lost
Which cradles me now in emptiness
And for what?
For saying I wanted to be kissed as if this was our last breath
For wanting to be part of us
And not a me and you
For wanting warmth and not just a body
Lying beside me in the bed
*
Work it out!
Work it out?!?
*
How many years have I slept alone
Duty bound and honest to a vow
I threw myself at work
I threw myself at church
I threw myself at the wall you won’t tear down
I beat on it until I began to crumble with the blows…
And then, though honest to the vow
I fell
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it you…
My lie or did you push me
Away
One too many times
And someone spoke from the heartbreak I was feeling and I fell
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it them…
Or where were you all those days
All those nights
All that time to be with you and yet be so alone
And now I am alone
You have your wall
She found her life
And I have emptiness to cradle me in that vow
*
Life’s too precious to just die for words
Words that taste like ashes in my mouth
Just dust scattered on the winds
Empty words…
Are you a martyr for the cause?
Don’t die for me
If you can’t live for me
And call it holy
Put me out of your noble suffering
I’m done with flagellation..
I’ve died the death for you
Take the bolts and bars off of your heart
Or I’ll burst these bonds and flee this cell
I knelt before you at the altar not the stocks
I long to see blue skies and evening stars through a lover’s eyes before I die
To taste a kiss wreathed in the scent of honeysuckle and pine
Yearned for hungrily and given ceaselessly…
When last did you kiss me like you meant it?
Can you remember?
I can’t
And you don’t even know how sad I am
*
Truth broke over me like a wave last night and pulled me stumbling, down
Tumbling
Scraping across sand and shells and rocks
Suffocating
I couldn’t breath
And then I was free
Free of hurting and denials and lies
And being left with consequences - having to carry my pain and yours
And I am empty today
With nowhere to turn but the mirror
And the man there won’t even speak to me
Because I’m afraid to look him in the eye
And see what he truly has to say…
I still fear the truth about me
And another sun has set
As shadows lengthen into the night
But nights no darker than the day
And my life
Both good and bad
Lies wasted in the stain
The feeling of lost
Which cradles me now in emptiness
And for what?
For saying I wanted to be kissed as if this was our last breath
For wanting to be part of us
And not a me and you
For wanting warmth and not just a body
Lying beside me in the bed
*
Work it out!
Work it out?!?
*
How many years have I slept alone
Duty bound and honest to a vow
I threw myself at work
I threw myself at church
I threw myself at the wall you won’t tear down
I beat on it until I began to crumble with the blows…
And then, though honest to the vow
I fell
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it you…
My lie or did you push me
Away
One too many times
And someone spoke from the heartbreak I was feeling and I fell
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it them…
Or where were you all those days
All those nights
All that time to be with you and yet be so alone
And now I am alone
You have your wall
She found her life
And I have emptiness to cradle me in that vow
*
Life’s too precious to just die for words
Words that taste like ashes in my mouth
Just dust scattered on the winds
Empty words…
Are you a martyr for the cause?
Don’t die for me
If you can’t live for me
And call it holy
Put me out of your noble suffering
I’m done with flagellation..
I’ve died the death for you
Take the bolts and bars off of your heart
Or I’ll burst these bonds and flee this cell
I knelt before you at the altar not the stocks
I long to see blue skies and evening stars through a lover’s eyes before I die
To taste a kiss wreathed in the scent of honeysuckle and pine
Yearned for hungrily and given ceaselessly…
When last did you kiss me like you meant it?
Can you remember?
I can’t
And you don’t even know how sad I am
*
Truth broke over me like a wave last night and pulled me stumbling, down
Tumbling
Scraping across sand and shells and rocks
Suffocating
I couldn’t breath
And then I was free
Free of hurting and denials and lies
And being left with consequences - having to carry my pain and yours
And I am empty today
With nowhere to turn but the mirror
And the man there won’t even speak to me
Because I’m afraid to look him in the eye
And see what he truly has to say…
I still fear the truth about me
Published 12th Sep 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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12th Sep 2019 6:49am
There's nothing to fear. From a female perspective, from someone who has been that side of the wall and the other - sometimes it isn't about finding a life, sometimes it's about protecting both parties so you can both actually live one. Sometimes there's too much love it would drown you both in it. Sometimes life's too short to live it drowning.
Just my two cents,
your work is beautiful.
With fondness.
Just my two cents,
your work is beautiful.
With fondness.
12th Sep 2019 1:32pm
Although I wouldn't call myself a bundle of impetuosity, I fear the staid and settled life. I'm a dreamer and believer in dreams even though most remain the substance of ether.
And I'll save those 2 cents with gratitude. Every time my change jar gets full, I buy myself a gift.
And I'll save those 2 cents with gratitude. Every time my change jar gets full, I buy myself a gift.
12th Sep 2019 3:34pm
Ha. I think coming from where I came from the settled life is the stuff of dreams for me. More out there dreamers, as I myself am one, find their way to me in spades, the idea of having a home, consistent partner, a child, when I'd have allowed myself exactly who and what I dreamt of was not something I'd have been able to consider. Heck, when having what I dreamt of I didn't think I'd make it passed 25, nor them. Sometimes dreams are best that way as it protects both people and preserves whatever good is left within those dreaming. I understand the desire to possess it though, never really goes away. Self restraint is a constant challenge.
12th Sep 2019 3:54pm
Self restraint isn't my strong suit. It's generally not even a fleeting thought. It's more like an after thought. I struggle at the thought of constraint and being possessed by possessions. Though I would possess love in its fierceness and not just it's quiet strengths. For I know death comes and often to soon, and the dreamer in me would live a life before I die...And that, perhaps, what drives me.
15th Sep 2019 6:29am
Dear AJ,
This work provided a vastness to me. Rather like a desert. I’m not sure why though?
We humans sure are an odd lot. The walls we build to protect ourselves from hurt. The inability to say what we want/need/mean and all the time getting by in a barely functional universe. Makes little sense when you have to reason it all out on paper.
I digress, this piece is hugely relatable to me. I wish it wasn’t but alas...you’ve penned it tragically and brilliantly. H🌷
This work provided a vastness to me. Rather like a desert. I’m not sure why though?
We humans sure are an odd lot. The walls we build to protect ourselves from hurt. The inability to say what we want/need/mean and all the time getting by in a barely functional universe. Makes little sense when you have to reason it all out on paper.
I digress, this piece is hugely relatable to me. I wish it wasn’t but alas...you’ve penned it tragically and brilliantly. H🌷
15th Sep 2019 1:01pm
Some words at times and in a sense are common to us all.
And most sadly because we wouldn't speak before the fall
Thank you for reading ~
And most sadly because we wouldn't speak before the fall
Thank you for reading ~
