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The Feeling of Lost

I watched another sun come up

And another sun has set

As shadows lengthen into the night

But nights no darker than the day

And my life

Both good and bad

Lies wasted in the stain

The feeling of lost

Which cradles me now in emptiness

And for what?

For saying I wanted to be kissed as if this was our last breath

For wanting to be part of us

And not a me and you

For wanting warmth and not just a body

Lying beside me in the bed

*

Work it out!

Work it out?!?

*

How many years have I slept alone

Duty bound and honest to a vow

I threw myself at work

I threw myself at church

I threw myself at the wall you won’t tear down

I beat on it until I began to crumble with the blows…

And then, though honest to the vow

I fell

I lied and why?

Was it me or was it you…

My lie or did you push me

Away

One too many times

And someone spoke from the heartbreak I was feeling and I fell

I lied and why?

Was it me or was it them…

Or where were you all those days

All those nights

All that time to be with you and yet be so alone

And now I am alone

You have your wall

She found her life

And I have emptiness to cradle me in that vow
*

Life’s too precious to just die for words

Words that taste like ashes in my mouth

Just dust scattered on the winds

Empty words…

Are you a martyr for the cause?

Don’t die for me

If you can’t live for me

And call it holy

Put me out of your noble suffering

I’m done with flagellation..

I’ve died the death for you

Take the bolts and bars off of your heart

Or I’ll burst these bonds and flee this cell

I knelt before you at the altar not the stocks

I long to see blue skies and evening stars through a lover’s eyes before I die

To taste a kiss wreathed in the scent of honeysuckle and pine

Yearned for hungrily and given ceaselessly…

When last did you kiss me like you meant it?

Can you remember?

I can’t

And you don’t even know how sad I am

*
Truth broke over me like a wave last night and pulled me stumbling, down

Tumbling

Scraping across sand and shells and rocks

Suffocating

I couldn’t breath

And then I was free

Free of hurting and denials and lies

And being left with consequences - having to carry my pain and yours

And I am empty today

With nowhere to turn but the mirror

And the man there won’t even speak to me

Because I’m afraid to look him in the eye

And see what he truly has to say…

I still fear the truth about me
AverageJoe
Written by AverageJoe (Average Joe. AJ. Joe)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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