The Feeling of Lost
I watched another sun come up
And another sun has set
As shadows lengthen into the night
But nights no darker than the day
And my life
Both good and bad
Lies wasted in the stain
The feeling of lost
Which cradles me now in emptiness
And for what?
For saying I wanted to be kissed as if this was our last breath
For wanting to be part of us
And not a me and you
For wanting warmth and not just a body
Lying beside me in the bed
Work it out!
Work it out?!?
How many years have I slept alone
Duty bound and honest to a vow
I threw myself at work
I threw myself at church
I threw myself at the wall you won’t tear down
I beat on it until I began to crumble with the blows…
And then, though honest to the vow
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it you…
My lie or did you push me
One too many times
And someone spoke from the heartbreak I was feeling and I fell
I lied and why?
Was it me or was it them…
Or where were you all those days
All those nights
All that time to be with you and yet be so alone
And now I am alone
You have your wall
She found her life
And I have emptiness to cradle me in that vow
Life’s too precious to just die for words
Words that taste like ashes in my mouth
Just dust scattered on the winds
Are you a martyr for the cause?
Don’t die for me
If you can’t live for me
And call it holy
Put me out of your noble suffering
I’m done with flagellation..
I’ve died the death for you
Take the bolts and bars off of your heart
Or I’ll burst these bonds and flee this cell
I knelt before you at the altar not the stocks
I long to see blue skies and evening stars through a lover’s eyes before I die
To taste a kiss wreathed in the scent of honeysuckle and pine
Yearned for hungrily and given ceaselessly…
When last did you kiss me like you meant it?
Can you remember?
And you don’t even know how sad I am
Truth broke over me like a wave last night and pulled me stumbling, down
Scraping across sand and shells and rocks
I couldn’t breath
And then I was free
Free of hurting and denials and lies
And being left with consequences - having to carry my pain and yours
And I am empty today
With nowhere to turn but the mirror
And the man there won’t even speak to me
Because I’m afraid to look him in the eye
And see what he truly has to say…
I still fear the truth about me