whiskey, benzos, and lines oh my

 
a bottle of whiskey to awaken
a line to get my head straight
so I can keep drinking throughout the day
two pills at night for sleep
so I can forget for a while I'm losing it

I've lost my grip on reality
really I threw it away
who wants to be aware--
when their heart is breaking?

my heart aches...I cry to heaven...I'm in pain
a voice says stick it out to the bloody end
let the chips fall where they may
I'm a gambler and I don't like the odds
the house knows my handicaps

I'm a loser either way
a loser now or later
but a loser none the less

the real question
how much pain
can I let my man endure
at his own expense

I don't want to hurt him
I live every day knowing I'm hurting him
why can't I just leave
write like he's still beside me
I've spent the last nine years
acting like he wasn't here anyway

really I don't want to inflict
my unoriginal insanity on anyone else
it's so banal run of the meal--
bipolar with psychotic episodes

I'm going to be facing my demons alone
when madness howls
and I'm locked in the psych ward

no one will come to see the lady
who pushed the world away