Definitely, I need another cigarette (Carpe's therapy sessions)

Dude..
You smoke too much

I know fuck off, ain't got enough THC required to deal with this PTSD shit. Can't afford it, so nicotine it is to indulge my oral fixation.
Whilst we are at it, fuck you Freud, you chain smoking villan, sucking cigars and snorting snow like it's s going out of fashion. What the fuck do you know anyway.

Find it ironically funny though, before dealing with this shit, all I smoked was the pipe and bong.
That I guess is how it goes.. Tenderise with trauma, heavily salt the wound,
remove the herbal medication...
What do you get? Chain smoking coffin nails, so there is no doubt or illusions as to the end result, sucking on all these death sticks, raping the lungs.. Why not?

I don't even know how to put in words,
this.. Part of me feels like some observer, watching this guys life, witnessing every thing collapsing slow motion, the fall, letting go.... Its fucking scary watching your own horror movie helpless, shout at the TV might help can't hurt

Want to talk about the wife for a bit, as I am clearly (avoiding) struggling with these emotions.
So before I moved over, she goes I need cannabis for medical reasons(fair enough if you know her back story, car accident, brain and spine injury), do you have a problem growing for me... Fuck no be happy to. So for 5 years, nobody had the slightest fucking clue. Kept a lid tight on that shit... So what does she go and do after she leaves.... Yep you guessed it, tells "them" I have a cannabis farm going.
I'm out walking, trying to sort me head, figure out the next moves the next plan... When I get this call, Mr Noctem this is the police, we have kicked your door In.
So I turn and power walk home, arrive at the house to find at least half a dozen of her majesty's finest waiting for me. Can't say im all that flattered.
Boys(might have been a female as well) you should have told me, would have let you in. Now thoughts are racing through my head, what's this going to mean for me, huge fucking fine, charges jail?
Is this your grow? Yes was growing it for my wife, who it turns out is the reason you're here.
Well you are lucky you didn't have anymore plants, this would have gone different. So what's the damage then officer..
We confiscate your grow and equipment, write you a caution.. That's it
My head is screaming FUCK SAKE, was going to chop one of the girls that night. So after all the paperwork and police have gone. I ring my herbalist, mate I just go raided need an ounce.
I can say, God's honest truth, half that ounce was smoked that night.. Fucking stress that woman has caused me.
Now a few days later, got my first meeting with the social workers. The Dyke one(now now carpe don't make assumptions) had been bollocking me about growing weed. Look lady(sure looked like a dyke) I don't smoke in front of my daughter if I can help it, how about you ask the wife if she smoked in front of our daughter. (short hair, exuding feminine superiority over the male species) well the smell of the plants is very strong, your daughter could get high from that. (quacks like a dyke) that is the stupidest thing I've heard... A rose has a smell, you can't get high from that. Well that shut her up, FUCK SAKE

Jump to dealing with police again. This time because of the rape.
Not sure if it was due to exhaustion combined with stress, either I'd long left my body, or my body left me, either or had eloped. The interview, statements all that was on auto pilot, can't remember much...
Now this part I can remember clear as the sun that was in the process of rising(having been there 4 5hours). I had vaguely recalled seeing his face when they took me to the station.
Low and behold who should walk in.. The same fucking officer that I'd dealt with when I got raided.
Good to see you've downsized (smart arse cunt), go through the usual bullshit, bad boy growing cannabis. Passes me the blue caution notice... At this point I can't resist, so what you going to do when it's legal.
Make my job easier,
FUCK YOU couldn't leave me the grow this time.. Fucking cops keep stealing my smoke

_________________________________

It's cold
inside and out

The sun is shining

Can't stop shaking (shivering uncontrollably)
took twenty(minutes?) attempts to roll this dart
Been nearly a week since I've eaten
just can't stomach it
Cigarettes have always tasted horrid
The coffee is even losing its flavour
tastes bitter
tastes shit, not enough sugar can sweeten this

I'm not sure...
what is worse,
the crushing torrent of emotions
that drag you to the floor in tears
Or...
The sudden and abrupt numb emptiness
the eyes go a little dimmer then

Fuck me Bipolar when will this end...