Fatal Attraction (To Gnomes)

Of all the sickening kinks in this world,
I fear that mine's the worst.
It's not all whips and chains and balls,
But when I see a Gnome - I burst.

I cannot help myself when I see them,
But my desires I face alone,
I couldn't care any less about latex,
Just give me a little Gnome.

Sitting there around my grandparents pond,
looking at me with that face.
I spend so many hours and weeks
longing for a Gnome embrace.

Many people prefer little Buddha's,
To decorate their lovely home.
I've tried and failed with all my might,
But the cards keep coming up Gnome.

I awaken in a cold sweat each night,
and have to change my sheets.
I've forsaken all other meaning in life,
The little red-hatted f*ckers are my treats.

I long to bore a hole in one,
But probably not for what you'd think.
I mean not to store belongings inside,
but shove my fingers up it's stink.

There's just something about them,
I simply cannot explain,
But when I see one in disrepair,
It brings me tremendous pain.

For I am one with the Gnomes,
And they are one with me,
Especially when I use that borehole,
for sticking in my pee-pee.

You might think I'm sick in the head,
for my obsession with their little hats.
But it's like momma said -
"It's better than shagging cats".