deepundergroundpoetry.com
Can you overcome?
Our enemy once tried to seize us
with temptations he tried to please us
offered money and fame
spit up lies that were lame
thank God, we had come to know Jesus
with temptations he tried to please us
offered money and fame
spit up lies that were lame
thank God, we had come to know Jesus
Published 8th Jun 2019
Author's Note
John 17:3
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 14
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Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
9th Jun 2019 1:45am
10th Jun 2019 5:14am
10th Jun 2019 7:24am
*gentle laughter*
I did some clean limericks, brother. Did you see them? I really enjoyed writing them that way,😇
I did some clean limericks, brother. Did you see them? I really enjoyed writing them that way,😇
9th Jun 2019 8:10am
10th Jun 2019 5:15am
28th Jun 2019 8:35am
This is a good poem. I'm no longer a Christian. I believe in a higher power. I just believe different. I still believe that the universe was created by God or goddess I don't know. I'm exploring my spirituality. I don't know what to believe.
28th Jun 2019 2:24pm
Anonymous
4th Jul 2019 11:20pm
Thank you TIG.
5th Jul 2019 3:13pm
Anonymous
9th Jul 2019 3:11am
YW TIG.
5th Jul 2019 7:14pm
I very much enjoyed the message here, TIG. Hope and strength are badges of honor. And, while they may appear to look differently per person and system of belief - they are badges nonetheless where integrity is concerned.
Notation: while your preference states "Friendly Feedback" I want to make known you did request that I offer Honest Critique on your work. I say this because there are some who perceive critiquers as overstepping their bounds by critiquing work labeled for friendly feedback only.
That being said, the brevity of this piece packs a punch. However, I do feel you could tighten it up by trimming it of extraneous words. Let's take a look-see at what we can do:
Can you overcome?
The first thing I am going to suggest is to alter the tense from past into present because I believe the message to be still relevant in today's times. Therefore, that being said, how would 'Overcoming' sound, rather than posing a question?
Our enemy once tried to seize us ( Does our enemy ever stop attempting to seize us? Doesn't the word say that we are to be alert because our enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour? Would the message be better as present tense vs. past, i.e. -
Our enemy tries to seize us? )
with temptations he tried to please us ( same thing here - would it sound better in the present instead of past tense? Also, because you've used 'us' in the previous line, would it be better to remove it in this one? Temptations is somewhat a half rhyme with 'us', also provides some very nice m, s & t consonance.
i.e. -
with pleasing temptations.
Notice I added in a pronoun and verb to contribute to some alliteration of the w sound. )
offered money and fame ( offering )
spit up lies that were lame ( lame truly sounds lame in this. What other rhyme can you muster? How about mean? The assonance of e would work quite lovely with Jesus.)
thank God, we had come to know Jesus ( How about 'Thank God we know Jesus )
If you take into account the above offerings- it would now read as such:
Overcoming
Our enemy tries to seize us
with pleasing temptations
offering money and fame
spitting lies that are mean
Thank God we know Jesus
I did very little with this, TIG. You have a good command on spelling and grammar. I merely arranged the syntax and altered the tense to present because I felt it would have more impact in today's times. Unfortunately, our struggle is never over; we can only perfect our method of defense and trust in the Universe to recompense those who perceive us their enemies, and allow negative forces to manipulate their actions against others.
Very well done.
Notation: while your preference states "Friendly Feedback" I want to make known you did request that I offer Honest Critique on your work. I say this because there are some who perceive critiquers as overstepping their bounds by critiquing work labeled for friendly feedback only.
That being said, the brevity of this piece packs a punch. However, I do feel you could tighten it up by trimming it of extraneous words. Let's take a look-see at what we can do:
Can you overcome?
The first thing I am going to suggest is to alter the tense from past into present because I believe the message to be still relevant in today's times. Therefore, that being said, how would 'Overcoming' sound, rather than posing a question?
Our enemy once tried to seize us ( Does our enemy ever stop attempting to seize us? Doesn't the word say that we are to be alert because our enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour? Would the message be better as present tense vs. past, i.e. -
Our enemy tries to seize us? )
with temptations he tried to please us ( same thing here - would it sound better in the present instead of past tense? Also, because you've used 'us' in the previous line, would it be better to remove it in this one? Temptations is somewhat a half rhyme with 'us', also provides some very nice m, s & t consonance.
i.e. -
with pleasing temptations.
Notice I added in a pronoun and verb to contribute to some alliteration of the w sound. )
offered money and fame ( offering )
spit up lies that were lame ( lame truly sounds lame in this. What other rhyme can you muster? How about mean? The assonance of e would work quite lovely with Jesus.)
thank God, we had come to know Jesus ( How about 'Thank God we know Jesus )
If you take into account the above offerings- it would now read as such:
Overcoming
Our enemy tries to seize us
with pleasing temptations
offering money and fame
spitting lies that are mean
Thank God we know Jesus
I did very little with this, TIG. You have a good command on spelling and grammar. I merely arranged the syntax and altered the tense to present because I felt it would have more impact in today's times. Unfortunately, our struggle is never over; we can only perfect our method of defense and trust in the Universe to recompense those who perceive us their enemies, and allow negative forces to manipulate their actions against others.
Very well done.
5th Jul 2019 8:50pm
Ahavati, thank you so much for sharing your feedback in a way I never would have thought. I can appreciate each and every item you put out there, especially bringing it in to present tense. And yes, it does apply to current day.
"I did very little with this, TIG"
You not only put this in a tightened up version, you gave me a lot to think about for future writing. I have no formal training and really do not read a lot of poetry except on this very site. Thank you my friend for taking time out of your day to help a fellow poet, as I read more of your writings I will hopefully be able to pick up some more tips. Thank you again
Blessings
"I did very little with this, TIG"
You not only put this in a tightened up version, you gave me a lot to think about for future writing. I have no formal training and really do not read a lot of poetry except on this very site. Thank you my friend for taking time out of your day to help a fellow poet, as I read more of your writings I will hopefully be able to pick up some more tips. Thank you again
Blessings
5th Jul 2019 10:03pm
10th Jul 2019 2:43pm
