deepundergroundpoetry.com
Family
I watch as you build sand castles
Your laugh and giggles so precious to me
Listen to you describe your thoughts
Talking of all the joys you see
You talk of fairy tale grandeurs
Castles of gold and glass
Sweet little angels
One is bashful the other full of sas
I watch you all playing enjoy the day
Sounds of excitement and clash of the sea
Love you all more than you know
Your all i need true love for my family
Your laugh and giggles so precious to me
Listen to you describe your thoughts
Talking of all the joys you see
You talk of fairy tale grandeurs
Castles of gold and glass
Sweet little angels
One is bashful the other full of sas
I watch you all playing enjoy the day
Sounds of excitement and clash of the sea
Love you all more than you know
Your all i need true love for my family
Published 2nd Jun 2019
Author's Note
Just spending a day
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jun 2019 9:39pm
2nd Jun 2019 9:41pm
Im lucky to have any man says other is a fool. Women are the gems of the world. Children are the precious ornaments made from them. If you cant love your own then you are no more than an empty beast
3rd Jun 2019 2:38pm
Lovely paying attention, Liam. I truly enjoy reading snapshots such as these. They're a reminder of what is truly important in life.
In the spirit of honoring your request for honest critique, I would suggest the following:
Firstly, watch your extraneous words, and trim where you can. This will tighten your verse of. Secondly, watch for repetitions - instead of using the same word multiple times in a stanza, use it as an opportunity to expand your vocabulary.
I watch [as] you build sand castles <- do you need 'as'?
Your laugh and giggles [so] precious to me <-- do you need 'so'? Or, if you want to retain 'so', then do you need 'to me'?
[Listen to] you describe [your] thoughts < I suggest replacing 'Listen to' with 'Hear', and 'your' is implied.
[Talking] of [all] the joys you see < Suggest replacing 'Talking' with 'Speaking' to pick up the delicious 's' consonance throughout this stanza. And because you use 'Talk' to open L1 of S2.
Basically, it would look like this:
I watch you build sand castles
Your laugh and giggles precious to me
Hear you describe thoughts
Speaking of the joys you see
See how that tightened the stanza up? I'm going to stop there unless you specifically request that I continue.
Thank you for sharing this sweet piece. Please remember that critique is largely the opinion of the critiquer, unless it's a blatant grammatical or spelling error. However, even those can be intentional for purposes of dialect.
Thank you for sharing.
In the spirit of honoring your request for honest critique, I would suggest the following:
Firstly, watch your extraneous words, and trim where you can. This will tighten your verse of. Secondly, watch for repetitions - instead of using the same word multiple times in a stanza, use it as an opportunity to expand your vocabulary.
I watch [as] you build sand castles <- do you need 'as'?
Your laugh and giggles [so] precious to me <-- do you need 'so'? Or, if you want to retain 'so', then do you need 'to me'?
[Listen to] you describe [your] thoughts < I suggest replacing 'Listen to' with 'Hear', and 'your' is implied.
[Talking] of [all] the joys you see < Suggest replacing 'Talking' with 'Speaking' to pick up the delicious 's' consonance throughout this stanza. And because you use 'Talk' to open L1 of S2.
Basically, it would look like this:
I watch you build sand castles
Your laugh and giggles precious to me
Hear you describe thoughts
Speaking of the joys you see
See how that tightened the stanza up? I'm going to stop there unless you specifically request that I continue.
Thank you for sharing this sweet piece. Please remember that critique is largely the opinion of the critiquer, unless it's a blatant grammatical or spelling error. However, even those can be intentional for purposes of dialect.
Thank you for sharing.
