masochistic lusts

              
cruelty cold and conniving  
bitter to the bone
brutal to the kind-hearted
he had no time for the likes of me
 
except when he stopped for a moment-  
to use my open soul for a urinal
all his hate and rage was saved for me
 
I bore his abuse
maybe because I thought I deserved it
masochistic I took his brutality
but I don't see myself as a victim
because when he was at his cruelest
I was the most turned on

with him things were different
there were no blurred lines with him
with some people you just don't know where you stand
he always made it clear I was beneath his contempt
it hurt my heart it did because I craved his affections
and begged for his rejections
 
I reserved all my kindness for him
he would snuff it out a cigarette spent after a couple drags
and just as useless  
I was as worthless to him as that
 
still, I would come back for more day in and out
I had no time for the good people in my life
the ones who would treat me decent
the ones who didn't ask anything of me
he required all my humiliation, my loyalty, and my pride
 
I fed his ego while he stripped mine
I was weak in his shadow and he preyed on my weaknesses
zeroed in on my loneliness and took full advantage
after all, I asked him to  
more than that I needed him to
he was the pain I craved
 
he was a Sadist and wouldn't let me walk all over him
the men who fail to satisfy  
will never understand my desire for a man like him
but then they will never understand a woman like me