My Redemption

He asks am I ok  
He knows very well that i am not  
I say, yes I'm ok  
  
Having written and talked  
Many times  
Of my need to be touched  
For you to reach out to me  
And yet most times you do not  
You only show glimpses  
Of your touch  
You say I go right to it  
Well I say you do  
   
You say you are into grooming  
Grooming and the enchanted forest    
Go hand in hand  
Grooming paves the way    
For deeper meaning  
For deeper understanding    
Of ourselves and the world around us  
Grooming is the path  
Into the forest  
I am here  
Waiting for you  
To take me into the forest    
To mold me  
   
I said I will follow you  
I do my best in my efforts  
To be the me you desire  
Though it seems that most things    
I do
Do not affect you    
Or make a difference  
I try to he sexy  
I am available to you most times  
I desire your touch  
I need your affection  
My little girl hurts  
My little girl desires you  
   
On the altar  
Sits our Corona bottle    
Representing your offering to me  
Seemingly to never be used again  
   
Whilst walking into Alexandria door  
You said
Things can't be as they were  
You shut the door  
   
You do not yet realize    
Who I am  
What I am to you  
Have ears to hear  
Have eyes to see  
Look upon the one    
To free you of bondage  
Of years gone by  
   
Or, maybe I am the one    
I speak of  
Needing freed from bondage  
That seems to envelope me  
A darkness that looms  
Universal dust particles  
That have loped onto me  
Making rivers of tears  
Making my innards queasy  
Full of fear  
Loosing all but my daughters  
And yet here I am    
   
Have cried more tears  
Since with you  
You bring out my best  
My fears not yet at rest  
Being with you  
An adventure of a lifetime  
I bet no other has been to you  
As I have  
   
Brought me to the surface  
Wrestling it most times  
I try to talk  
Often don't even know of what  
Yet I talk  
I cry  
I try  
No matter what I say  
You very seldom interact  
Except when it comes  
To intellectual stuff  
Of which you know so much  
   
I hate that i wasted years  
Not reading  
Not learning  
Of wasting time  
I shoulda been preparing  
My time to be in the sun  
   
Yet waste seems to be    
All around me  
My rubbish    
Full of teary eyed Kleenex  
And other such stuff  
To be picked up    
Every Friday 10 o'clock  
To be taken to the  
Big rubbish pile  
Where others have disposed  
Of teary eyed Kleenex
To be picked up    
   
And so it goes  
The merry, merry-go-round  
A mystery as to  
Where it leads
Whence it stops  
   
The mystery of love  
The mystery of sexuality  
Of our appetite  
And the ways we satisfy it  
   
Our needs opens sores  
Our desires scratch at them  
Hurting us even more  
And yet we come back for more  
   
Humankind, a mystery indeed  
How we are made  
How we function  
How we think  
   
I try to he intellectual,    
I want to learn  
I want to please you  
I need to hear  
I please you  
I can be whatever you want  
   
An old woman body  
In little girl thoughts  
Little girl ideas  
Little girl fantasies  
Of longing to feel you  
   
Your desirous touch  
For that which you cannot have  
For that thing you hold inside  
Revealed only to few
   
Narratives waiting to he rewritten  
Our willingness in bondage past  
Possibly never to be arrested  
Possibly never to break those chains  
Our willingness to stay  
In comfort but afraid    
Of what is  
And fear    
Of what could be  
We shut the door  
Peering thru the keyhole    
I see light    
On the other side  
   
Patience in urgency    
Is hard to find  
I am getting older    
And so are you  
I realize you are better than ever  
   
Our journey  
Shortened by age  
And yet, we begin  
A journey that is a lifetime  
Sadness overtakes my being  
Realizing how little time left  
For us to become    
Who we were met  
Spiritual beings  
Involving all aspects of us  
   
I cry    
I know not why  
I hurt  
I know not why  
Maybe it's a point of reference  
Of where or what I want  
And need to he  
I cry  
Not knowing why  
I say things  
Not knowing why  
Most times  
Cannot explain  
I do not understand  
Why I cannot comprehend  
Why I cry  
Why I hurt so much  
   
I take the pain  
Of others within  
Adding to my own  
Frustration is a way of life  
It causes me  
To bend and break  
Madness overtakes  
We say and do things we regret  
Often making things worse    
Our desire to be better  
Goes up in a raging madness  
 
We know we do not  
Want to be doing it  
Our madness takes us    
Onto deafened parhways    
Often never to come back  
To even the point  
Of where we were  
   
Reading, studying your poems  
Your writings  
Your journals  
Has given me  
Perhaps, the only one  
The wonder of you  
Of who is locked inside  
Your now frail body  
And yet you are  
My sexy old guy  
I vow to be here  
Til death do us part  
Til our deafened ears hear no more  
Til our eyes close to see no more  
 
Having said this to others    
Makes no sense  
As I now know  
I was yours from the start  
 
I am the embodiment  
Of those before  
Even from childhood  
Where longing  
Became something  
To be hidden  
To be buried deep within  
Until that age of consent  
Then, expecting it  
To be there at a moment's notice  
I missed out on the passion  
The longing  
Of long ago hidden desires  
Of discoveries of young  
   
I kept them to myself  
I pretended to have babies  
I satisfied that longing  
The best I knew  
With enemas    
Longing emerged  
I didn't even know what hole  
It went in  
I was so green  
And yet so full  
Desires, needs and wants  
Stirring in my soul  
Fearing God's punishment    
If I touched myself  
Not knowing what would happen  
I got saved and sanctified  
Over and over  
I always felt guilty  
And still do  
Can't seem to shake the guilt within  
Meeting you is my redemption  
And maybe it's too much  
For you to bear  
   
All of this to say  
I just wish you would    
Reach out to me  
Touch me all over  
Let me tell you    
Fantasies of near and far  
To live in the forest with you  
With shortness of time  
To live a lifetime  
To become one  
To merge with you  
You are my male counterpart  
   
And even though  
I live in an old woman's body  
My little girl is very much alive  
She wants to play with you  
She wants to be groomed by you  
To be branded by you  
To be yours for ever more  
For you to touch her    
In ways no one has  
   
I keep thinking if I touch you    
Rub on you  
Show you my feelings through  
The magic of touch  
Inviting you to be affectionate    
In ways you only dreamed possible  
I will be what you want  
I will be it all  
You are my life    
You are my lifetime  
I want only for you  
   
You say I live in fairy tales    
And yes, maybe it's true  
Are not fairy tales  
Based in reality  
Part of our psyche  
It's in our DNA    
There for us to live it  
   
I want to play  
In ways I have never known  
You have an open invitation  
And always will  
I love your sexuality  
Your desires  
For things we cannot have  
   
I long for my little girl  
To lie with you  
To be in my uncle's bed with you  
The pungent smell  
Of the factory on him  
Not remembering exactly    
What he did to me  
But the aftermath  
The messiness  
The feelings of lust  
Emerging from my soul  
Only to be pushed down  
   
And yet when I try to relate  
My little girl desires    
It doesn't seem to matter  
I know you love me as I am  
But my desire    
Is to be more  
To grow  
To envelope all of me  
You are my catharsis  
My key  
You are it    
You are the one  
You convinced I was    
And here I am the one  
Why not open up  
To be more than you are  
To be the man you want to be  
A writer of the Gaia Gospels  
A poet    
A lover to me  
You most certainly are  
A friend to me  
Closer than any other