washed away

I often feel weak, pinned down by the very darkness I helped create. In a place where illusion and reality fight toe to toe and I must take pills to keep a filter.
We are not born with fear, but it can have the biggest impact on our destiny. This learned emotion conaminuates my soul, hinders my movement, and blurrs my vision, yet I cling to it like the air I breathe. I cannot unlearn tradgety, but rather coexist with it's shambles and grow immune to like debris.
I dream of a day where good hearts hold no pain, only peaceful rhythmic beats. Where endings don't exist, and saddness is as fleeting as summer's heat.
Dreamers can act out all beliefs, and recover what's been lost. Like tears without the grief, A price without a cost.
I have found happiness time and time again, but it always slipped through eager fingers. Consistency has always been a stranger in a world filled with busy people, unable to feel comfort in my touch. I've just expected to meet a heart such as my own, and that is no one's fault but mine.
With every wound I've endured, there's not much left to be broken. I've conditioned myself for your departure long before we'll even meet. You can thank them for that. Feel it become my choice now, as I watch the power drain from your eyes.
 These words have flowed beyond my consent, but I am nothing but the purity of my truth.
It is not revenge that I seek, but a hollow realization that I was everything you hoped for, and will never have twice. The exit of another will pull you back in my direction, but the impact of my depth will only reach you in memory. One that holds you from sleep, and held you the dearest.
It almost sickens me to yearn for love the way that I do, so I've quickly formed contradiction.
What are the substance of words without reaching another's eyes? Do they remain in the darkened corners of my mind and unfold in different ways? Or is the fullfilment that i'm after simply unattainable?
Perhaps I am viewed like a sunset, only to be watched but unexplored. A pleasant visual washing away the troubles of the day.