Who sh** the bed?

I woke up early one morning,
in the air there’s a feral smell.
The fright on my face was dawning,
I look down and exclaim ‘F***ing hell!’

Right there beneath my duvet,
I spy a pool of brown.
Softly removing my undergarments,
my face contorts a frown.

The musk of this here faeces,
Is something to behold.
However did it get there?
The story remains untold.

I lifted myself gently,
placing my tutsies on the floor,
when beneath my feet I feel a squelch – I look down – “There’s more!?”

It’s sank into the carpet,
Like a filthy khaki paste -
From my bed I darted,
I must clean this at haste!

I rush into the bathroom,
plunging my foot into the sink,
I need to get to work soon!
I’m furious – with rage I’ve turned pink!

I twist the tap handle,
and try to settle down,
When to my rage like a beast uncaged
the liquid here too is brown!

What God allows this to happen?
I feel I’m going mad.
I begin to cry a little,
not too much, just a tad.

Reality has become a blur,
as my cup overrunneth with crap.
However could this possibly occur?
This goes beyond a bowel mishap.

Malteser-shaped little boulders,
pebble-dashing my lovely floor,
It’s even in the toothbrush holder,
some splattered up the door.

The stench is hurting my scattered brain,
I feel like I’m in hell.
Everywhere I look there’s a stain,
It’s like a viscous gel.

What perverse decorator,
Has re-painted my entire house?
A mysterious unseen defecator,
Shi**ing as quietly as a mouse.

My life at this time felt awful,
It felt like I was in a hole,
ironically the only place I couldn’t see any,
was in the toilet bowl.

What fool, or beast – maybe cretin,
Would desecrate my abode?
For now the smell had set in,
but would in time erode.

I took out the henry hoover,
As an ambitious last-ditch attempt,
To clear this filthy manoeuvre,
And soothe my malcontent.

This little b**ch!
I didn’t know,
I flipped the switch,
It’d been set to ‘blow’!

Out from the nozzle it flew at speed,
I couldn’t believe my sight!
The last thing I could possibly need,
Was a thick jet of more sh**e!

The whole place reeked,
The stench was far beyond foul,
My anger had long-since peaked,
It’d seeped into my towels.


Now this was many years back,
And this sticks in my head,
I cannot help but wonder
Who sh*t the fu**ing bed!