Let There Be No Illusion

Allow the candle to dim
and return from the possession
that so easily took you
abducting the integrity
that you held so close
before the slide ride
took you to addictive treasures
putting a fraudulent spin
on heroic escapades
that will never happen
retreating once again
to the bland, cruel
celibacy of flawed reality
shamed again
like the little kid
that let the older man
weave his way
into the wide-eyed innocence
of future potential

I am not always okay
to be unreasonably marked
by a moment in the summer
one day
where I'd rather have been indoors
than out in open territory

His touch, my curse
to question the rejection
of the high school years
of fickle fancies
and that nagging fear
of my own libido
and AIDS

I always liked the older girls
I seemed to relate better
they were never impressed
by those take-charge boys

And I've never been one of those,
I couldn't do it
- that first move
...what if she doesn't feel that way?
always sickened me to think
that one misread
and I'd done something to someone
against their will

And I could never, ever be that guy

The fortune in the mess
- a girl kissed me first
 
I think I have come to peace with it,
but I sometimes can't help to wonder
how different I would be
if that one day could be redacted.