In between desperation and gratitude pt1

Caught in between
desperation and gratitude,
maybe I should change my attitude.

I've felt stuck for the past year
in a loop of self denial and fear.

Fake smiles and red eyes,
hiding my tears
believing my own lies.

2018 started with a surprise,
not the kind that makes your eyes wide
but the kind that makes you cry
and keeps you up at night,
It began with a strange pain
quickly alerting his brain,
always the sufferer of back aches
working physically taxing jobs
to support his family with a check to check way of life.
With no hesitation
 this pain led to complete debilitation
greatly limiting his ability to function "normally" in this life,
from then on it's been nothing but strife filling our household.
Internal conflict
leading to external turmoil.
He lives now in constant pain
nothing like what he experienced before,
for a year now this is how he has lived
day to day unable to get away
from the pain.
His loss of income added to his already ridiculous level of stress,
their dependency on me doesn't make them worry any less.
It's only me they have
to support them
through this grim situation,
through their great tribulation.

I watched as both of them severely struggled to survive through the suffering
as reality started to buffer.
Still they rise each day
and do what they can
though every movement is physically demanding.
Pain that I can't possibly understand
This situation I still can't comprehend.
They remain optimistic though,
still smiling
all the while I'm moping,
drowning in waves of depression
pulled into the vortex of self oppression...

Caught in between
gratitude and desperation
still feeling that separation
from my generation
as I sit here alone but not lonely..