The Solution To Jealousy

The curse of jealously
conditioned formative years
selectively overlooked
the rejection took
time to reconcile

The ones I adored
clearly bored
pheromones
non-responsive
to my timid charm

But one swallow
and pleasantly hollowed
a crucial clue
that invented fictions
could do little
to satiate the screaming nerves

A masochistic mark left
hidden like my wings
a formative incident
that would shade the future

I come to realize
twenty years after
that year spent
in the one room loft

close quarters
for two young men
in their twenties

When Jenny came,
I thought it a remote possibility
that it might be with me

But my roommate
had a little more charisma,
experience
and an athletic body
and accompanying square jaw

In the dark,
assuming I was asleep
I heard the quiet footsteps
to his bed

The sound of him entering her
made my senses flare
in defeat and interest

The moan that escaped her
made me delirious and hard
despite the anger
of invented betrayal

She was never mine

The only act of defiance
I could muster
the only choice
to abate the unfortunate loss
was to quietly stroke
my confusion
ears alert to their rhythms
into a shattering stream
of necessary release.