MY  HEART-FELT CONVICTIONAL POETIC MANIFESTO

O how I still long for your sensual touch -
Yet, now you seem to loathe the very thought of my touch upon your skin -
Which differs from not that long ago when you so desired my sensual touch...

O how the very sight of your subtle body still arouses me -
Yet, now it seems as though the very thought of my husky physique disgust you -
Which differs from not too long ago that my husky physique was so desirable to you...

O how it is, I still wish to kiss and hold you -
Yet, it seems now you abhor the very suggestive idea of either or from me -
Which differs from how you felt a short time ago when you gladly wished to be held and kissed by me...

O how I still need you, your camaraderie, your lovely presence -
Yet, you need me not even in the slightest sense nor do you need or want the fondness of my presence -
Which differed on how you felt about my very existence in what seemed like only yesterday...

O whereby now I've already done forgiven you countless times for the various discords between us as well as your shortcomings and encroachments done unto me -
Yet you are so staunchly unforgiving about all of my inadequacies and transgressions against you -
Which is unlike how used to be where you were willing to forgive but not forget...

O how far we have fallen from the grace of love and deep into the pit of despair, animosity, and regret -
How we let it get this far out-of-control is beyond rational, sane, reasonable understanding -
Why we chose to let things continually spiral out of control and right into the abyss of no return is beyond either you of answering or me -
Whatever happened to the love we used to be, and we're going to have is a question I often ask myself...

But as I come clean, I understand that it’s about time that I finally remove the insidious toxicity from my life and from my heart, with the best of intentions for the both of us -
Admittedly I have been in a battle with love and logic and luckily and thankfully logic has won -
No logic has not won because of it being mind over heart -It is because logic spoke out in a louder voice when emotional reasoning failed me -
Along with logic, it was my sheer determination and willpower that helped me realize that I did not need to be invalidated or minimize on how I felt by anyone especially not you -
I also realized that no one, not even you has or have the power to scrutinize who I was and who I was becoming -
Furthermore, I came to an epiphany that my feelings were worthwhile and not meaningless as so many people have told me including yourself…

Indubitably I have awoken to realize a good many things such as;
I've been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most -
Been lied to by those whom I trusted the most -
Been unloved by those whom I love the dearest -
Felt more alone when I couldn't afford to be -
And been forsaken by the ones who I never thought would give up and abandoned me in my most dire strait moments -
But in all honesty, at the end of the day, I've come to learn and accept in being my own best friend and the one I must truly confide in -
Because they're going to be those days where there wouldn't be anybody to comfort me and keep myself company -
This is especially true at our moment of going our separate ways and of parting from one another…

For I know that I have not got to choose events that have come my way nor the sorrows that have interrupted my life -
These unexpected uncertainties have caught me surprisingly off guard as well as unprepared to deal with them -
Yeah sure I hold my head in my hands in lament and in weaken my already failing condition I'm left wondering what I ought to do in your absence -
To suffer or not to suffer that is all too common -
But I must keep my composure while still suffering cause it is a remarkable feat to accomplish doing -
Yeah, I understand that the pain will eventually change me more profoundly than any success or good fortune that might come my way -
Also, my painful suffrage will undoubtedly shape my perception, my values, my priorities, my goals, and my dreams in my life...

So much in fact that I wouldn't feel guilty in the aftermath of you and I about willfully giving you the best part of myself to you -
And then watching you morph that part of me into the worst part of who I never wanted to be -
Or be not ashamed for handing you my broken heart to you –
Only to have you shattered into a thousand more pieces and then throw it back at my face -
Or be filled with shamefulness for letting myself become so vulnerable that I let myself be hurt yet once again –
By someone whom I foolishly had placed my trust in -
Or having any regrets for openly handing you the map to my jaded scarred heart and showing you the places where you could hurt me the most –
And then letting you unremorsefully cut away at them over and over and over again…

No none of these guilt-ridden inflictions are all of my doing -
Although I won't deny in playing a part in exchanging blows of afflictions -
However, there is a vast majority of the blame that you, yourself have inflicted upon me to which you utterly refuse to accept and take responsibility for -
That in its own right alone is the utmost saddest part of what we've become...

It is taking me quite a while to figure out and understand that you are a sadistic bully and you are beyond my help, or anybody else's for that matter -
My biggest mistake was thinking that I could try and “fix” you –
Or “trying” to love you in a such a way that others hadn't loved you -
For you see, I've realized that you are a broken person – Who was broken by life itself and by those who you entrusted your heart to -
And because of that, you masquerade as a saint who is compassionate, benevolent, and empathetic -
But in reality, you are nothing more than an evil being of sorts who refuses to see how damaging and toxic you really are to the people who come in your life -
No matter who decides to love you there isn't any love in the world that can ever fix the huge, bottomless hole in your black soul
And now that I know how truly insidious you are its high time, I leave you…
 
So, by using reason and logic I've come to understand the level of cruelty sadism, cynicism, and vindictiveness you actually are –
Which makes my disembarrass from going any further in this relationship with you that much more easier -
Free at last free, at last, I am not because I still have to find a way to cleanse myself of all your turpitude, ribaldry, scurrility, and malignancy to which you have toxicated me with -
So that there comes a day that I am able to unanimously and undividedly liberate myself from your venomous treacherous false-hearted noxious emotive abusiveness...

But I will be honorable enough to admit that you were not all horrendously a monstrosity the entire time that we were together -
There were times you were the epitome of who I should have become long ago -
I won't deny you the accolade of being the one who encouraged me into improving upon myself so that I was more conducive in interacting with others -
Undeniably more times than often not you were a kind soul who offered everything even though you had nothing really much to offer -
But make no mistake that does not excuse you for the shity life you had to put up with that has turned you into the villain…

Trust me I know all too well that you live long enough either to become the hero of your own story or the villain of it -
And you my once beloved have become the villain of not only your story but everybody else's story as well that you encounter -
But trust me when I say that you don't have to continue remaining the villain forever -
Cause you are still naive enough to become the hero in the remaining chapters of your own story as well as everybody else's if you just wake the hell up!
Because the delusionary story that you tell yourself or other people isn't exactly working out for you now is it?

Begin your story anew by looking at the choices you've made in the past to yourself and the people who came in your life, and I've left abruptly or on bad terms -
Once you can see them clear as the morning sun, it is then that you should do the right thing and take some responsibility and make yourself accountable for the horrendous things you've done to yourself and others - Instead of blaming everybody and anybody for the shity things life has done to you -
When and if you ever decide to do this, you can then become the hero of your own story and begin being truly happy and not just proxy happy with the life that you have decided to take ahold of and live out...

So now it's the part of my life where I silently remove myself from you or anyone else who wishes to;
Hurt me more than they wish to love me -
Drain me more than they wish to replenish me -
Bring me more stress than they make peace -
Or tries to my neglect budding rather than nourish my growth -
Because I won't feed another mouth that wants to talk s*** about me -
I won't wipe any more tears off the faces of people who make me cry -
No longer will I pick people up that wish to knock me and refused to help me back up -
No more favors will be given out to people who in return do nothing for me -
I will no longer be there for people that do not wish to be there for me when I need them to be -
I refuse to be patronized as the convenient friend anymore to those who think I am just inconvenience -
Am I selfish, stuck-up, self-absorbed and quite possibly crazily insane?
Maybe I am maybe I'm not –
But that isn't up to anybody to go ahead and judge or label me as such -
Cause I am DONE losing myself in the hatred of others ill-begotten judgment who I am...

But despite all of the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I have endured through –
I've come to discover that I'm not the first person who has ever been confused, frightened and even sickened by the despicable things we do to the ones we love -
And since that being the case, I am titillated and stimulated to know that there are so many who are also just as troubled morally and spiritually as I am about such indecencies amongst those who get entangled in romantic endeavors -
And unarguably I must say that it is a beautiful unspoken reciprocal understanding that I have with those who have been hurt by the ones they loved -
Now don't mistake what I'm trying to say here as an informative, educational tutorial of what love is or isn't or disputing societies impractical capabilities of loving one another -
No, instead this is my verbose convictional poetic manifesto on how the forsakenly broken-hearted, chastised, ostracized lonely blokes can free themselves or avoid themselves from being ensnared in a gilded cage of delusionary enamored love and nothing more...