deepundergroundpoetry.com
Charged by the second
Welcome! My dear fiend
hope all is well for you
how are you coping now?
Are you getting used to
seeing the underside of everything?
How about the disorganized bedlam
and the box of pills by the bed lamp
and the colossal egotism
of your own self did you realize?
Very well then! Signs of progress!
So living this life can you correlate to
a phantom remora of shadowy phantasms?
or see the ever-changing ink blot patterns
on an obliterated sky? My friend?
Outstanding! And have you noticed
anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery
with no signs of digression of any sorts
Thank you for the time Mister
You may leave and rust in peace
and if the idea of oblivion fascinates you,
then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone
in the deepest recess of the realm,
in your transient e-bayed happiness
and permanent self-sustained vacuum
So I will see you next time
But of course, we would reenact
the relapse of Stockholm syndrome
post a vigorous psychic rape
Thank you! Will do!
Yes at the counter
you can pay by plastic to the raconteur.
hope all is well for you
how are you coping now?
Are you getting used to
seeing the underside of everything?
How about the disorganized bedlam
and the box of pills by the bed lamp
and the colossal egotism
of your own self did you realize?
Very well then! Signs of progress!
So living this life can you correlate to
a phantom remora of shadowy phantasms?
or see the ever-changing ink blot patterns
on an obliterated sky? My friend?
Outstanding! And have you noticed
anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery
with no signs of digression of any sorts
Thank you for the time Mister
You may leave and rust in peace
and if the idea of oblivion fascinates you,
then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone
in the deepest recess of the realm,
in your transient e-bayed happiness
and permanent self-sustained vacuum
So I will see you next time
But of course, we would reenact
the relapse of Stockholm syndrome
post a vigorous psychic rape
Thank you! Will do!
Yes at the counter
you can pay by plastic to the raconteur.
Published 5th Nov 2011
| Edited 5th Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 1021
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
i love the refreshing tone here!
"Outstanding! And have you noticed
Anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery"
and
"You are just as invisible as anyone
In the deepest recess of realm
In your transient e-bayed happiness
And permanent self-sustained vacuum"
you get it all across with an upbeat voice and hint of a back-story to give it a place. bravo. [:
"Outstanding! And have you noticed
Anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery"
and
"You are just as invisible as anyone
In the deepest recess of realm
In your transient e-bayed happiness
And permanent self-sustained vacuum"
you get it all across with an upbeat voice and hint of a back-story to give it a place. bravo. [:
5th Nov 2011 5:47pm
5th Nov 2011 9:35pm
...read Pyaara. I see this scene quite easily. A queue of humanity in a pharmacy...lol.
6th Nov 2011 8:11pm
17th Nov 2011 6:44pm
To the reading list!
This is very good, I really enjoyed it.
"idea of oblivion fascinates you
Then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone"
That's a comforting thought. :)
This is very good, I really enjoyed it.
"idea of oblivion fascinates you
Then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone"
That's a comforting thought. :)
18th Nov 2011 11:06am
Duncan
:)Thank you.
I am glad that you liked it.
Yes, it fascinates me and it
was a while before I realized
'it' being the bigger truth at
some deeper level and the whole
existence in modern day concretescape
turned out to be nothing more than
a battle to evade it. The oblivion.
Orwell's big brother is a sham now.
And everyone out there is a slave
at some level. Cause the oblivion gets
to one at some point.
I have said too much.:) Arm chair philosophy.
I am glad Duncan that I could comfort you
in some way.:)
Write on
S'
:)Thank you.
I am glad that you liked it.
Yes, it fascinates me and it
was a while before I realized
'it' being the bigger truth at
some deeper level and the whole
existence in modern day concretescape
turned out to be nothing more than
a battle to evade it. The oblivion.
Orwell's big brother is a sham now.
And everyone out there is a slave
at some level. Cause the oblivion gets
to one at some point.
I have said too much.:) Arm chair philosophy.
I am glad Duncan that I could comfort you
in some way.:)
Write on
S'
Anonymous
30th Nov 2011 8:35pm
As a therapy patient myself I feel I can empathise with this poem. The frustration is palpable. How when crippled by pain you're told the same things again and again to no useful end. I'd like to critique this poem piece by piece.
"Welcome! My dear fiend
Hope all is well for you
How are you coping now?
Are you getting used to
See the underside of everything? - "See" should be "seeing."
How about the disorganized bedlam?
And the box of pills by the bed lamp
And the colossal egotism? - Great rhyme of "bedlam" and "egotism." I also like the "bed lamp"; gives the image a personal touch.
Of your own self? Did you realize? - Would this work better as "Of your own self did you realize?"
Very well then! Signs of progress!
So living this life can you correlate
To a phantom remora of shadowy phantasms? - "To" disturbs the syntax. What is being correlated to the "phantom remora"?
Or see the ever-changing ink blot patterns
On an obliterated sky? My friend? - My favourite image. Unique, poignant and beautiful. I love how you gently convey the clouds as ink blots.
Outstanding! And have you noticed
Anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery
With no signs of digression of any sorts
Thank you for the time Mister
You may leave and rust in peace - Really like "rust in peace." Nice reference to mundanity and mortality.
And if the idea of oblivion fascinates you
Then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone
In the deepest recess of realm - You need a "this" before "realm".
In your transient e-bayed happiness
And permanent self-sustained vacuum
So I will see you next time - I like how this line follows such nihilistic, cynical despair. "You're doomed forever, so keep coming here and paying me to tell you that."
But of course, we would reenact
The relapse of Stockholm syndrome - Love this line. Rolls off the tongue wonderfully.
Post a vigorous psychic rape
Thank you! Will do! Yes at the counter
You can pay by plastic to the raconteur."
Hope you were okay with me picking apart your poem, Summit. Thanks for the read.
"Welcome! My dear fiend
Hope all is well for you
How are you coping now?
Are you getting used to
See the underside of everything? - "See" should be "seeing."
How about the disorganized bedlam?
And the box of pills by the bed lamp
And the colossal egotism? - Great rhyme of "bedlam" and "egotism." I also like the "bed lamp"; gives the image a personal touch.
Of your own self? Did you realize? - Would this work better as "Of your own self did you realize?"
Very well then! Signs of progress!
So living this life can you correlate
To a phantom remora of shadowy phantasms? - "To" disturbs the syntax. What is being correlated to the "phantom remora"?
Or see the ever-changing ink blot patterns
On an obliterated sky? My friend? - My favourite image. Unique, poignant and beautiful. I love how you gently convey the clouds as ink blots.
Outstanding! And have you noticed
Anything new about your appearance?
What! The smug self righteous glow!
Superlative! On your way to speedy recovery
With no signs of digression of any sorts
Thank you for the time Mister
You may leave and rust in peace - Really like "rust in peace." Nice reference to mundanity and mortality.
And if the idea of oblivion fascinates you
Then there is news for you dear friend!
You are just as invisible as anyone
In the deepest recess of realm - You need a "this" before "realm".
In your transient e-bayed happiness
And permanent self-sustained vacuum
So I will see you next time - I like how this line follows such nihilistic, cynical despair. "You're doomed forever, so keep coming here and paying me to tell you that."
But of course, we would reenact
The relapse of Stockholm syndrome - Love this line. Rolls off the tongue wonderfully.
Post a vigorous psychic rape
Thank you! Will do! Yes at the counter
You can pay by plastic to the raconteur."
Hope you were okay with me picking apart your poem, Summit. Thanks for the read.
J
Indebted. Finally lost my virginity
in DUP, royally.:)
Honestly it was here where I ever
got a critique for a poem.
Today this was a dream.
Thanks for pointing out, correcting &
showing what needs to be seen.
'Phantom remora' could be the way the life
is being lived by the protagonist amidst the
shadowplay of all those evanescent demons who
keep reappearing.
Hope I was clear.
Thank you from the bottom
of my heart.
Light
Sumeet
Indebted. Finally lost my virginity
in DUP, royally.:)
Honestly it was here where I ever
got a critique for a poem.
Today this was a dream.
Thanks for pointing out, correcting &
showing what needs to be seen.
'Phantom remora' could be the way the life
is being lived by the protagonist amidst the
shadowplay of all those evanescent demons who
keep reappearing.
Hope I was clear.
Thank you from the bottom
of my heart.
Light
Sumeet
