my past is like a coat without beautiful buttons

good memories are missing
like buttons which should live on a coat
they are missing from my life, my core
it feels so wrong to be a coat without the buttons
so much of the time
to look back and realise all was incorrect
and important materials were very much missing
it pains me because the nicer times are so few

how can i look at my past and smile?
how can i not cry ?when all was so wrong?

i am lighter when my mind
 is not wandering into the past, fearing the future
or feeling bad in the present
but i do not understand why the many beautiful buttons
why they cannot be there
why i have to look back seeing a ugly coloured coat
which wasn't even made correctly
tattered, imperfect and pretty much falling apart
upsetting, negative, weird and confusing

my life was this coat
never with the bright and beautiful buttons
barely truly bright
mostly like a segment of soil
bland, boring and stuck
same old tedious life with weeds shooting upwards
pain sitting in my mind

any times which '' should '' have felt nice
were ruined by my messed up mind
with wrong and unhappy feelings inside

my life felt like negative situations
impacting a sensitive soul
mind feeling heavily sorrowfully sore
wandering around like a lost little girl
who never had a real clue how to live life
because of how she kept feeling

everything was ruined
and nothing was as it should have been

my life felt like '' dust '' sitting on a windowsill
needing to be cleaned up
but i never knew how to clean my life or my mind
so i continued the same way
living the same old lie
walking around in a coat
which eventually worsened in colour
materials shedding , life falling apart
completely at the seams

everything started tumbling down
a major catastrophe
lightening ripping finding its way within
despite never asking to
never wishing for my life
to turn into a horrid hell
but it happened anyway

and that's why i now look back
disappointed
the real lack of beautiful buttons
lingering in my mind

it hurts me
thinking of everything i have unfairly missed
when others can smile at their past
buttons, diamonds, stars, nice times, and fun

what do i see in my minds eye
a ugly flipping coat
pain, pain, pain, and more pain

and some have so many good memories
it really makes you wander and question
why not me? why was i denied the shining buttons