In Memorial

In Memorial

Your fingers creating sonic art waves over the guitar strings has stopped.
 A sudden, drastic change that will quickly force us all to adopt.
The amplifiers have gone silent and remain turned off.
It’s so silent as we quietly grief that no one dares to sneeze or cough.

One phone call on a Wednesday evening changed my life forever.
Just as I was thinking about our upcoming endeavor,
my phone vibrated and showed the name of my brother
who informed me that you had passed away and were gone forever.

My heart instantly shattered in disbelief and sorrow.
You were supposed to be there for me well past tomorrow.
Only sixty-seven years, gone far too soon.
The world will miss you singing your tunes.
I will miss you and all of your support given to me over the years.
You were one of the only people I could turn to in order to eradicate my fears.
When in doubt and in need of advice, I called you.
How I will move forward from this; I don’t have a clue.

Six years ago, I lost the pillar to my right who meant the world to me.
I have just recently overcome that pain and learned how to set it free.
Now you are gone as well, the other pillar holding me together.
What will I do without you, dear father?
How will I move forward in life now without my two biggest supporters around?
How will I possibly hold back the creatures of the night from taking me down?
How can I overcome the pain I feel with every breath that I take?
How can I continue to live that with your passing, my soul has begun to break?
A few months ago, before I started my new job we sat around a bon fire in your back yard,
Sharing stories and drinking beers as you gave me a compliment that caught me off guard.
I have always felt like a failure in life and an outcast in society.
My mind is usually chaotic and full of anxiety.
I have no idea what my full potential is since I have yet to reach it.
It’s a difficult pill to swallow I will admit.
No outstanding career to be proud of.
No woman next to me to share my love.
No grandchildren produced for you before your untimely death.
At least I didn’t go to prison for Meth.
You help get me away from that situation the second I called.
You always believed in me no matter how much it seemed my life had stalled.
You told me so that night, around the bon fire,
The last bon fire we had together before I was forced to face your tombstone.
You told me you had always been proud of me and had always believed in me.
I cry now not knowing how that could possibly be.

You accomplished a lot in your life.
Produced two kids with a loving wife.
Lead a church for years through the thick and thin.
Brought in a new pastor when everyone wanted your head and clawed at your skin.
A thankless job he said at your funeral.
A beautiful sermon he gave for you, so caring, strong and suitable.
You had a great career that you lost only to achieve an even better one
And at an age where most people were ready to retire and just have fun.
You found a career that you loved and died doing what you heart called you to do.
I had so much respect for you, if only you knew.

You lived a great life and along with Grandpa were the rocks I leaned on my entire life.
You two are a big part of the reason I never fell victim to the knife.
If only I could be as proud of myself as you two were in me.
Whatever it was you saw in me; I continue to fail to see.

I’m a great writer, my talent in life but it’s done nothing to help build a legacy.
I’m told God has a plan for me and knows my destiny.
My future is dark and all I see are clouds.
I’m always invisible out in a crowd.
People take one look at me and quickly turn the other way.
Loser,
Weirdo,
Freak,
Failure,
Nobody,
Unlovable,
Quiet,
Depressed,
Ugly,
All the thoughts I’m sure people have of me.

Ever since your passing, I have not been the same.
All I manage to find the strength to do is lay around on the cough and cry in shame.
My heart is broken along with my soul.
All that’s left inside of me is a giant hole.
The charred remains of myself holds onto life by a single thread.
The pain is so great; I wish all day that I was dead.
I wish God would take me next so I can be with my two hero’s again.
Why keep me alive and in misery under this pouring rain?

My first tooth came in on my grandfather’s birthday.
I was right there with him the day he died.
Now your funeral is on my 30th birthday,
forever linking me to my two hero’s in unimaginable ways.

I love you grandpa.
I love you dad.
Thank you for being proud of me.
Thank you for being the role models I looked up to in life.
Pastor Kevin tells me I’m rich for having such strong relationships and bonds with you two,
but with the pain I feel from your losses, I’m not sure he has a clue.
I’m completely devastated, a broken man.
Can completely destroying me really be part of Gods plan?
I have no idea where to go from here.
I can’t even fathom what other tragic events I must endear
before one thing finally goes my way and an ounce of happiness comes into my life.
Maybe one day I’ll even be lucky enough to find an amazing wife.

I’m sorry I’m so down but I hope this poem has done you justice.
I promise next time I will try to be more upbeat.
Rest in peace to my grandpa Donald Wagner.
Rest in peace to my father Ralph Zempel.
I hope one day to make you guys proud.
I hope one day I can pick up your mantels and continue on your legacies.