deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Luscious Yelp of Overnight Rain
How can I write
when you're watching me like that?
I'm munching peaches
plundering the poetic cosmos
while my own personal sexy angel
is flimsying down towards me
to the sigh from your big brown eyes
groaning false start
like a dud firework on the fourth of July
I know I promised we'd go out
but it's not all about sex is it?
You don't bump into a bitch on heat
to drool over in the park
every time we go there, do you?
Did I mention
there are these skinniest orphan words
their hungry swollen letters
jostling to hog the page in my head
but one nudge
from your nose at my knee
and they fizzle into puddles of disarray
The worst combination
is your tail and my cup
Cold green tea
sliding sideways over the keyboard
so I give in
as you're already plotting
how to unclip leash
I guess for you freedom means
daring to slip collar and slope away
especially if the boss isn't looking
Even if it makes you dribble and yawn
I was thinking...
how we cannot demand order
when words do not obey
though earnest fingers
toil restless slaves
their charge is collecting seed
to plant with care in reader earth--
so whether creator or gatherer,
we are always gardeners
secretly tending
fanciful fires of the heart
while wondering which keenest spark
might first ignite to settle flame
on the brink of some great mystery
flaring from nothing's grander scheme...
And perhaps my occasional child
(or even your puppies)
may one day stumble
hapless over the truth--
learning how you fashioned
such a glorious splash
with such ungainly feet.
Good boy!
when you're watching me like that?
I'm munching peaches
plundering the poetic cosmos
while my own personal sexy angel
is flimsying down towards me
to the sigh from your big brown eyes
groaning false start
like a dud firework on the fourth of July
I know I promised we'd go out
but it's not all about sex is it?
You don't bump into a bitch on heat
to drool over in the park
every time we go there, do you?
Did I mention
there are these skinniest orphan words
their hungry swollen letters
jostling to hog the page in my head
but one nudge
from your nose at my knee
and they fizzle into puddles of disarray
The worst combination
is your tail and my cup
Cold green tea
sliding sideways over the keyboard
so I give in
as you're already plotting
how to unclip leash
I guess for you freedom means
daring to slip collar and slope away
especially if the boss isn't looking
Even if it makes you dribble and yawn
I was thinking...
how we cannot demand order
when words do not obey
though earnest fingers
toil restless slaves
their charge is collecting seed
to plant with care in reader earth--
so whether creator or gatherer,
we are always gardeners
secretly tending
fanciful fires of the heart
while wondering which keenest spark
might first ignite to settle flame
on the brink of some great mystery
flaring from nothing's grander scheme...
And perhaps my occasional child
(or even your puppies)
may one day stumble
hapless over the truth--
learning how you fashioned
such a glorious splash
with such ungainly feet.
Good boy!
Published 25th Oct 2011
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Anonymous
25th Oct 2011 6:50pm
The syntax seems too rich at times. Example:
"Did I mention
there are these skinniest orphan words
their hungry swollen letters"
Each of the first adjectives on the second and third lines could be removed.
However, these imperfections are tempered by an occasional fragment which is dazzlingly brilliant, such as:
"we are always gardeners
secretly tending
fanciful fires of the heart
while wondering which keenest spark
might first ignite to settle flame"
All you need to do is trim the fat and you'll have a great poem on your hands. In the last passage I quoted, for instance, you don't need "fanciful" or "keenest".
All just IMHO of course.
"Did I mention
there are these skinniest orphan words
their hungry swollen letters"
Each of the first adjectives on the second and third lines could be removed.
However, these imperfections are tempered by an occasional fragment which is dazzlingly brilliant, such as:
"we are always gardeners
secretly tending
fanciful fires of the heart
while wondering which keenest spark
might first ignite to settle flame"
All you need to do is trim the fat and you'll have a great poem on your hands. In the last passage I quoted, for instance, you don't need "fanciful" or "keenest".
All just IMHO of course.
25th Oct 2011 7:13pm
...distraction for me here, so you might be correct. I'm his temporary minder and it's almost as if he's muscled his way into the poem I intended to write which is why it may seem like the patchworking is too heavy.
Come the morrow I may even chop it in half, Jack - I think it needs to settle for a bit.
Your thoughts always most welcome of course.
~ A.
Come the morrow I may even chop it in half, Jack - I think it needs to settle for a bit.
Your thoughts always most welcome of course.
~ A.
26th Oct 2011 8:23am
Having looked back at this I think the double adjectives are fine, Jack.
It's a complex dialogue(for me at any rate) - writer to dawg and then writer to himself, so the extra brakes are justified.
I would like to improve the transitional points of the poem if anything, but at the moment I am already worn out by anything connected with the word dog. Thanks again for your input.
Best ~ Abra
It's a complex dialogue(for me at any rate) - writer to dawg and then writer to himself, so the extra brakes are justified.
I would like to improve the transitional points of the poem if anything, but at the moment I am already worn out by anything connected with the word dog. Thanks again for your input.
Best ~ Abra
