deepundergroundpoetry.com
When the rain sings
When the rain starts singing
The shadows come to watch
The leaves dancing in the wind,
The ships that sail
Across streams and little seas,
And visiting through the trees
Comes the whistling breeze.
All my little friends come
When the sky decides to hide
In a veil of dark and cold;
Into a world not far from mine.
The shadows come to watch
The leaves dancing in the wind,
The ships that sail
Across streams and little seas,
And visiting through the trees
Comes the whistling breeze.
All my little friends come
When the sky decides to hide
In a veil of dark and cold;
Into a world not far from mine.
Published 13th Jul 2018
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likes 4
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jul 2018 9:33am
13th Jul 2018 9:58am
13th Jul 2018 7:51pm
14th Jul 2018 1:49am
I enjoyed the alternate moodiness of this piece very much. The parallels between the weather and human lives are very much worth noting.
Below are a few suggests to honor your request for honest critique.
Firstly, I've opened it up to breathe. This allows the reader to enjoy the imagery a bit longer. Secondly, I've capped only the beginning of sentences for a smoother read. Lastly, I've corrected some punctuation, i.e. - the final line wasn't an independent clause but fragment, thus the semi was incorrect.
Also, I eliminated the first sentence because the title can ba a part of the poem, this eliminates redundancy. I suggest 'arrive' to replace the second 'come' to eliminate repetition and add rhyme and assonance to hide.
When the rain sings
shadows come to watch:
leaves dancing in the wind,
ships that sail
across streams and little seas;
visiting through the trees
comes the whistling breeze.
All my little friends [arrive]
when the sky decides to hide
in a veil of dark and cold --
a world not far from mine.
Below are a few suggests to honor your request for honest critique.
Firstly, I've opened it up to breathe. This allows the reader to enjoy the imagery a bit longer. Secondly, I've capped only the beginning of sentences for a smoother read. Lastly, I've corrected some punctuation, i.e. - the final line wasn't an independent clause but fragment, thus the semi was incorrect.
Also, I eliminated the first sentence because the title can ba a part of the poem, this eliminates redundancy. I suggest 'arrive' to replace the second 'come' to eliminate repetition and add rhyme and assonance to hide.
When the rain sings
shadows come to watch:
leaves dancing in the wind,
ships that sail
across streams and little seas;
visiting through the trees
comes the whistling breeze.
All my little friends [arrive]
when the sky decides to hide
in a veil of dark and cold --
a world not far from mine.
