deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dead Pigs
The big bad wolf, with the three little Piggies;
Chuckling and drinking and smoking some ciggies.
Sat in a bar, playing Russian roulette with a gun;
Two Piggies down… Just one left to hunt.
(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Published 28th Feb 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Mar 2018 10:43am
Well done! Attention-grabbing play on this nursery rhyme, maybe updated for current day fears?
As you requested honest critique, I’d like to offer some feedback. First, punctuation at the end of the line is unnecessary as the line break itself provides the required pause. Also, capitalisation of each line may disconnect it from the previous line, interrupting flow. In the first line, I suggest removing the second “the” and removing the second “and” in line two as to not sound repetitive. Lastly, I took the liberty of slightly modifying the last two lines for rhyme and flow to reflect the nursery rhyme concept.
Only a suggestion, have a read and see what you think.
The big bad wolf, with three little piggies
chuckling and drinking, smoking some ciggies
sat in a bar, playing Russian roulette
two piggies down, just one left to get
As you requested honest critique, I’d like to offer some feedback. First, punctuation at the end of the line is unnecessary as the line break itself provides the required pause. Also, capitalisation of each line may disconnect it from the previous line, interrupting flow. In the first line, I suggest removing the second “the” and removing the second “and” in line two as to not sound repetitive. Lastly, I took the liberty of slightly modifying the last two lines for rhyme and flow to reflect the nursery rhyme concept.
Only a suggestion, have a read and see what you think.
The big bad wolf, with three little piggies
chuckling and drinking, smoking some ciggies
sat in a bar, playing Russian roulette
two piggies down, just one left to get
Thank you for your comment, but when I write a poem, it has it's own flow, my flow and I can only write the way I write. A lot of the time the poem is written from my subconscious thoughts and they are not always a picture perfect clarity of the original photo.
If I were to use your suggested example of my poem, then the poem would no longer be mine. I understand the punctuation of my writing may not always be correct, but I do not claim to be perfect in any way and my English is as good as I can make it at the time of writing each particular poem.
This poem was written a long time ago and it was only four lines quickly thrown together, because as you have pointed out, the story is someone else's story, but it is a well known story which I have changed slightly.
I didn't realise the page break would provide the necessary pause, and I would feel weird if I just left the end of the sentence of this particular poem with no comma or semi-colon or anything at the end. I will change the semi-colon to a comma, but to me the only alternative was to write the entire line in one and it would obviously be longer than the page allows, so it would automatically be moved onto the next line and if I left it as Word would have it appear, then it would not look right or read right.
Every poem I have written pretty much has capital letters at the start of each new line, though not always, and as for remove "the" and the "and", that would not make the poem read correctly for me. The Big Bad Wolf is the name + title of the Wolf in this particular nursery rhyme / poem and The Three Little Pigs are a independent unit of things that are recognizable as "Three little pigs", so the "the" I use, I believe, is necessary to show that these three little pigs are the three pigs from the original nursery rhyme and not just another three random pigs. The second "and" is there because the poem must have been written to the rhythm of Three Little Pigs - Green Jelly.
I thank you for the revised edition of my poem, but you have removed the fact that The Three Little Pigs are the three little pigs from the nursery rhyme, in which The Big Bad Wolf appears, your version I believe should be chuckling, drinking and smoking some ciggies (that is the way I would write it if I was writing your poem), you have removed the gun from the poem for some reason, when the title of the poem is Dead Pigs and for the pigs to die, there must surely be a cause of their death other than the implied reasoning that the wolf must have somehow killed the pigs, possibly by eating them, which to my knowledge was never apparent in the last nursery rhyme version that I saw. In the version I saw, the pigs in turn, ran to each house after the previous one had been destroyed by the wolf blowing down their straw house and wooden house and the three pigs ended up behind the stone wall of the stone house. Two piggies down, just one left to get, doesn't necessarily imply that the 'Dead Pigs' are in fact dead. If the wolf just wants to get them, he could be holding them prisoner.
I don't know what the current fears are, as I do not watch TV or listen to the news. It's all bad news. I prefer music that tells a story.
Go to YouTube, find Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs and you will see my inspiration for this poem. It was also inspired by the memory I have of hearing the original three little pigs rhyme when I was younger, but as I previously stated, this is just four lines, a throw away poem and it really doesn't require such deep thinking, especially when I am tired...
Peace, love and empathy.
PS I have to capitalize the start of each line when I write poetry,
because this doesn't look right,
When it is followed by this,
or should it all be like this?
Capitalizing each new line just looks better to me.
That is all.
This is how I write. It may be wrong, but it is how I write. I will maybe learn in the future, but I also may never learn,
but who can say what is Right or wrong?
My art is my vision.
Your interpretation of my art is your interpretation.
Art is subjective.
Some would say the Mona Lisa is boring. Some would stare at it forever in wonder.
Lastly, I would change your First to Firstly so you would not need to add the comma, or maybe you would, I don't know my grammar ain't that good.
You have to remember I am just an average man who can think of a rhyme for the previous sentence and some people like what I write and some do not, but I write what I like and hopefully someone will also like it.
If you are offended by my honesty, then there is not much I can do about that. It is my honesty after all and I don't believe the truth should be sugar-coated to appease anyone. The truth is the truth and this is my truth. Your truth may be that I am wrong. We are both correct in our own truths.
If I were to use your suggested example of my poem, then the poem would no longer be mine. I understand the punctuation of my writing may not always be correct, but I do not claim to be perfect in any way and my English is as good as I can make it at the time of writing each particular poem.
This poem was written a long time ago and it was only four lines quickly thrown together, because as you have pointed out, the story is someone else's story, but it is a well known story which I have changed slightly.
I didn't realise the page break would provide the necessary pause, and I would feel weird if I just left the end of the sentence of this particular poem with no comma or semi-colon or anything at the end. I will change the semi-colon to a comma, but to me the only alternative was to write the entire line in one and it would obviously be longer than the page allows, so it would automatically be moved onto the next line and if I left it as Word would have it appear, then it would not look right or read right.
Every poem I have written pretty much has capital letters at the start of each new line, though not always, and as for remove "the" and the "and", that would not make the poem read correctly for me. The Big Bad Wolf is the name + title of the Wolf in this particular nursery rhyme / poem and The Three Little Pigs are a independent unit of things that are recognizable as "Three little pigs", so the "the" I use, I believe, is necessary to show that these three little pigs are the three pigs from the original nursery rhyme and not just another three random pigs. The second "and" is there because the poem must have been written to the rhythm of Three Little Pigs - Green Jelly.
I thank you for the revised edition of my poem, but you have removed the fact that The Three Little Pigs are the three little pigs from the nursery rhyme, in which The Big Bad Wolf appears, your version I believe should be chuckling, drinking and smoking some ciggies (that is the way I would write it if I was writing your poem), you have removed the gun from the poem for some reason, when the title of the poem is Dead Pigs and for the pigs to die, there must surely be a cause of their death other than the implied reasoning that the wolf must have somehow killed the pigs, possibly by eating them, which to my knowledge was never apparent in the last nursery rhyme version that I saw. In the version I saw, the pigs in turn, ran to each house after the previous one had been destroyed by the wolf blowing down their straw house and wooden house and the three pigs ended up behind the stone wall of the stone house. Two piggies down, just one left to get, doesn't necessarily imply that the 'Dead Pigs' are in fact dead. If the wolf just wants to get them, he could be holding them prisoner.
I don't know what the current fears are, as I do not watch TV or listen to the news. It's all bad news. I prefer music that tells a story.
Go to YouTube, find Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs and you will see my inspiration for this poem. It was also inspired by the memory I have of hearing the original three little pigs rhyme when I was younger, but as I previously stated, this is just four lines, a throw away poem and it really doesn't require such deep thinking, especially when I am tired...
Peace, love and empathy.
PS I have to capitalize the start of each line when I write poetry,
because this doesn't look right,
When it is followed by this,
or should it all be like this?
Capitalizing each new line just looks better to me.
That is all.
This is how I write. It may be wrong, but it is how I write. I will maybe learn in the future, but I also may never learn,
but who can say what is Right or wrong?
My art is my vision.
Your interpretation of my art is your interpretation.
Art is subjective.
Some would say the Mona Lisa is boring. Some would stare at it forever in wonder.
Lastly, I would change your First to Firstly so you would not need to add the comma, or maybe you would, I don't know my grammar ain't that good.
You have to remember I am just an average man who can think of a rhyme for the previous sentence and some people like what I write and some do not, but I write what I like and hopefully someone will also like it.
If you are offended by my honesty, then there is not much I can do about that. It is my honesty after all and I don't believe the truth should be sugar-coated to appease anyone. The truth is the truth and this is my truth. Your truth may be that I am wrong. We are both correct in our own truths.
1st Mar 2018 4:51pm
Dear Aa,
It is not in my nature to be offended by an opinion particularly as it relates to their own work. It is I who appear to have offended you. My apologies as this was not my intent. I enjoyed your spin on the nursery rhyme and mentioned as such. I offered the feedback because you requested honest critique. No disrespect for your work was intended. May I suggest that if you do not want to receive suggestions, that you request friendly feedback.
Sincere and kind regards,
Mel
It is not in my nature to be offended by an opinion particularly as it relates to their own work. It is I who appear to have offended you. My apologies as this was not my intent. I enjoyed your spin on the nursery rhyme and mentioned as such. I offered the feedback because you requested honest critique. No disrespect for your work was intended. May I suggest that if you do not want to receive suggestions, that you request friendly feedback.
Sincere and kind regards,
Mel
3rd Mar 2018 12:16pm
Don't worry I wasn't offended, I just write poetry my way that is all and I don't like to change a poem once it is finished unless I have to. I asked for honest feedback because I do want your honest feedback. Love it, like it or loathe it, I put my poems on the internet to see what people think of the poems and if I agree with their comment that I need to change something I will, it's just that if I wrote the poem your way, instead of mine, it would have lost its essence.
In the previous comment, I was just explaining why the poem was written the way it is.
Peace, love and empathy.
In the previous comment, I was just explaining why the poem was written the way it is.
Peace, love and empathy.
