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this wish of mine
it seems that i cannot hide,
the truth of the d̙̬͡a̮͜r̹͇̖ḱn̜̘̞̗͚͘e̷̖̗s͕͍͕s͔̟͎̗̯͝
clinging, grasping, scraping
f̶̭̯͈̹̪̞e͕̜͘a̱r ͙̺̹̝̰̫̟s̜͓͖̱̗̙t̤͇i̛̘̭̣l͇l̶͉̙͇̟̼̣͇ ̺͖̮̦̥̼̣g̹̻̟̳̠͔r̞̠̩͍͔̝̳o̝͖̲w̺͚̳̺i̙̬̼̻͔̙ͅn̡̞͇̝̗g̺̥̥,̪̩ ͢ͅi͚̘̣̱̯̤̬ ̙f͉̙͔͉a͔͈̝͔ḷ͢l͎͉̹͚̕ ͚̣͎d̼͉e̦̜̠̦èp̨e̤͚͍̼̖r̶̺̜̺
but you want this too and my resolve crumbles
e̮̼̮̘v̸͕̫̳̮͙̣e̕r͏ ̮͝g̸͍̤̤̩̞̰r̡̟̝͈͇ow̶̯i͇̱ń̥͔g͏̩̜͓̼, ̞̗̥̩p͖͕̫̪̠͟ͅa̘̯̱͖̩̮r͏̳͓͍a̯̳͚̙̘d̪̗̦̥̹̭͖o̬͉̜͚͘x̹͙̻̗͉̀i̟̤̪c͚͚͢a̙l,̣̱́ͅ ͕̠̜͓͎̜͔p̷͖͉͍u͔͓̠̠̱s̬͍̮h̠͉͠ͅ ̨̯m͍͍̙͠ͅe͉͎̣̳̣̰ ͍͖ͅo̵f̮͓̯̗͙̥̩f̞̪̭̭̣́ ̗̳̭͔̣̥t͙̦͉̥͇̹̗͢h͔e̫.̞̹̝̙̼̜͠.̶.̧̦̰̰͚̗͎ͅ
edge, i have fallen. tenter hooks pierce my
f̷l͚̜͚̖̙͍͡e͍̹s̩̮̗̹̪h͚͚͎̜͈,̢͓̦̥̼̯̩͙ ͝r̸i͙͚̟p̭ṕ͍͍̪͎i̜̻̙̙n̛̪͖̙̱̠̘̺g̵ͅ ͎̩͔̫̣̝͡t̘̬̖e̹aṛ͢i̖̹̯̼̝ͅn̟̮͍͙̬̗g̢͓̖̖,҉͍͕̪̥̘̲̙ ̧͔̦̺ḁs̝̟̕ ̱̪̲ͅs̮̟̗̞̭̟̰o̢̗̼f̪t̩̯̭̙̠͖ ͘a̞̱̯͔̣̱̼s͍̤͈̭̟̬͔ ̼̯i̪̼̪̻r͉̳̼͍͈ḭ̖͖̣͖͉ͅs̱̤̗̼̜͝h̺̟̝͕̥̼͖ ̤̯͙̳b͙͉͕̭̱̖̦u̗̱̥͚͠t͈̲͠t̠̺̪͔̱ḛ̞̟r̷̼̞̤̹͕
your warmth engulfs me, your body consumes me and i am yours.. but the fear, it protrudes behind glances cast to the side, able to meet..
y̘̮̲̼̟̞ͅò̘ų̦̬̙̬ͅr̼̝͎̻̭͈̫ ̧͔̪̫̭͉ȩy͏̙̜̞e͕̟s͕͇͝,̮͍͝ ̸i̗̯͓̟͘c͕y ̣͚e̙͖͓̺̟̗̮ņ̘̞ͅd̸̬l͘e̸͔̟̪s̖͖̱̭s̨ ̨sk͓̹͇y͔̯̥̱̯
disappointment, failure.. things i cannot attain - fear grows deeper, d҉͕̻̻̪̘͎é̝̬̦͛ͭ̊̍̀̚ḙ̡͕͕̩̻͚̍̈̆ͅp̤̻̭̘̳ͨ͛̓e͕̮̥̽͒̀ͫ̈̀r̘̣͚͓̆̇̄ͧ͊̾.
self sabotage is no longer an option, option.. o p t i o n.
too many, many, many, many choices.
a̺͔͈͙͒̓ͤn͊̋͢d̥̭̖̰ͧ̚ͅ ̤͉̺̟̩̦̫͆ͨ͢ị̦̹̩͌ͫ̍ͧ ̰̻͈̺ͫ̐̅ͬͮ̍̓r͍̳̲̓͋ͤ̎͐̽͠e̲̹̬̜̹͞l̮͔̏ͬ̎͑i͔͚̙͔ͤ̈́ͬͯn̙̘̦̹̬͖̽͒ͤ͗͢ͅq͌̿̈̎҉̳û͋͏͎̦i̘͖̞̤͈͕ͧ̂ͪ͒ͨ͑s͍̃̽͌̓͊̐͘h̴̜̦ͮ̿̄ͯ ͂͊̈̌̈́̿̈́҉͇̻ëͪ҉͎͍v͛҉̹ȩ͆̂̓̏r̛̬ͭ̑y̪̗͈ͣ͝t̹̜̹̯͔ͩͦ͐͠ͅẖ̓̂̇͛̍i̿̍̆͐̂̂͝n̥̣̪͚̟̳̭̅̔̈́̀̽̐ğ̹̫͊̃́͝ ̘̣͍̬̪̩ͯ
the truth of the d̙̬͡a̮͜r̹͇̖ḱn̜̘̞̗͚͘e̷̖̗s͕͍͕s͔̟͎̗̯͝
clinging, grasping, scraping
f̶̭̯͈̹̪̞e͕̜͘a̱r ͙̺̹̝̰̫̟s̜͓͖̱̗̙t̤͇i̛̘̭̣l͇l̶͉̙͇̟̼̣͇ ̺͖̮̦̥̼̣g̹̻̟̳̠͔r̞̠̩͍͔̝̳o̝͖̲w̺͚̳̺i̙̬̼̻͔̙ͅn̡̞͇̝̗g̺̥̥,̪̩ ͢ͅi͚̘̣̱̯̤̬ ̙f͉̙͔͉a͔͈̝͔ḷ͢l͎͉̹͚̕ ͚̣͎d̼͉e̦̜̠̦èp̨e̤͚͍̼̖r̶̺̜̺
but you want this too and my resolve crumbles
e̮̼̮̘v̸͕̫̳̮͙̣e̕r͏ ̮͝g̸͍̤̤̩̞̰r̡̟̝͈͇ow̶̯i͇̱ń̥͔g͏̩̜͓̼, ̞̗̥̩p͖͕̫̪̠͟ͅa̘̯̱͖̩̮r͏̳͓͍a̯̳͚̙̘d̪̗̦̥̹̭͖o̬͉̜͚͘x̹͙̻̗͉̀i̟̤̪c͚͚͢a̙l,̣̱́ͅ ͕̠̜͓͎̜͔p̷͖͉͍u͔͓̠̠̱s̬͍̮h̠͉͠ͅ ̨̯m͍͍̙͠ͅe͉͎̣̳̣̰ ͍͖ͅo̵f̮͓̯̗͙̥̩f̞̪̭̭̣́ ̗̳̭͔̣̥t͙̦͉̥͇̹̗͢h͔e̫.̞̹̝̙̼̜͠.̶.̧̦̰̰͚̗͎ͅ
edge, i have fallen. tenter hooks pierce my
f̷l͚̜͚̖̙͍͡e͍̹s̩̮̗̹̪h͚͚͎̜͈,̢͓̦̥̼̯̩͙ ͝r̸i͙͚̟p̭ṕ͍͍̪͎i̜̻̙̙n̛̪͖̙̱̠̘̺g̵ͅ ͎̩͔̫̣̝͡t̘̬̖e̹aṛ͢i̖̹̯̼̝ͅn̟̮͍͙̬̗g̢͓̖̖,҉͍͕̪̥̘̲̙ ̧͔̦̺ḁs̝̟̕ ̱̪̲ͅs̮̟̗̞̭̟̰o̢̗̼f̪t̩̯̭̙̠͖ ͘a̞̱̯͔̣̱̼s͍̤͈̭̟̬͔ ̼̯i̪̼̪̻r͉̳̼͍͈ḭ̖͖̣͖͉ͅs̱̤̗̼̜͝h̺̟̝͕̥̼͖ ̤̯͙̳b͙͉͕̭̱̖̦u̗̱̥͚͠t͈̲͠t̠̺̪͔̱ḛ̞̟r̷̼̞̤̹͕
your warmth engulfs me, your body consumes me and i am yours.. but the fear, it protrudes behind glances cast to the side, able to meet..
y̘̮̲̼̟̞ͅò̘ų̦̬̙̬ͅr̼̝͎̻̭͈̫ ̧͔̪̫̭͉ȩy͏̙̜̞e͕̟s͕͇͝,̮͍͝ ̸i̗̯͓̟͘c͕y ̣͚e̙͖͓̺̟̗̮ņ̘̞ͅd̸̬l͘e̸͔̟̪s̖͖̱̭s̨ ̨sk͓̹͇y͔̯̥̱̯
disappointment, failure.. things i cannot attain - fear grows deeper, d҉͕̻̻̪̘͎é̝̬̦͛ͭ̊̍̀̚ḙ̡͕͕̩̻͚̍̈̆ͅp̤̻̭̘̳ͨ͛̓e͕̮̥̽͒̀ͫ̈̀r̘̣͚͓̆̇̄ͧ͊̾.
self sabotage is no longer an option, option.. o p t i o n.
too many, many, many, many choices.
a̺͔͈͙͒̓ͤn͊̋͢d̥̭̖̰ͧ̚ͅ ̤͉̺̟̩̦̫͆ͨ͢ị̦̹̩͌ͫ̍ͧ ̰̻͈̺ͫ̐̅ͬͮ̍̓r͍̳̲̓͋ͤ̎͐̽͠e̲̹̬̜̹͞l̮͔̏ͬ̎͑i͔͚̙͔ͤ̈́ͬͯn̙̘̦̹̬͖̽͒ͤ͗͢ͅq͌̿̈̎҉̳û͋͏͎̦i̘͖̞̤͈͕ͧ̂ͪ͒ͨ͑s͍̃̽͌̓͊̐͘h̴̜̦ͮ̿̄ͯ ͂͊̈̌̈́̿̈́҉͇̻ëͪ҉͎͍v͛҉̹ȩ͆̂̓̏r̛̬ͭ̑y̪̗͈ͣ͝t̹̜̹̯͔ͩͦ͐͠ͅẖ̓̂̇͛̍i̿̍̆͐̂̂͝n̥̣̪͚̟̳̭̅̔̈́̀̽̐ğ̹̫͊̃́͝ ̘̣͍̬̪̩ͯ
Published 25th Jan 2018
| Edited 2nd May 2018
Author's Note
this is a poem i wrote about my boyfriend, mark and the fears of abandonment that consume me. never before have i truly wanted something more than this to work and in the beginning.. these fears nearly ate me alive.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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1st May 2018 10:59am
Hello feline self harm is an never ending battle of ever circling thoughts, your writing is a unique blending entwine of endless swirls making this battle for you an all out apocalyptic firestorm, I too struggle with this heinous war, expressed well with great insight of a hardcore symptom created by mental illness.
Stand tall
Stand proud
Stay strong
Sending my warmest of warm regards, wishing you a bit of peace of ease, Sincerely,
Survivor 🍒
Stand tall
Stand proud
Stay strong
Sending my warmest of warm regards, wishing you a bit of peace of ease, Sincerely,
Survivor 🍒
