Less than slash three

Something like 15 years.
Finally got my chance.
My pain, I cannot exude romance.
The way I feel I can.
Over in a flash.
I'd say the same thing if it were lifetimes.
One night was not enough.
My smile holds no one to really blame.

I wish for her the best.
Always knew it wasn't me.
So now I spew all this bullshit.
Just in my head stuck wondering.
Over analyzing. Of all my miniscule details.
Perfect wouldn't be good enough but i fear I'll never get there.

I have no real reason, to share this all aloud.
I sit saddened yet so happy. If such both exist at once.
I'm confused in clarity. That I am very dull. Personality I cannot control. If I did I would be fake.

But from this ultimate loss, I shall rise from each mistake.
To be the man I see in the mirror when my eyes are brightened after fades.

I'm not bitching of a break up.
Or a girl who was ever "mine".
Just realizing reality and how it's pushed me in a direction she doesn't face.
That smile on her face.
I just don't know what to say.
I just felt the need to release somehow, to speak to no one who would remain.

Honesty permits, that I do feel sorry for myself.
A feeling that is rare. Might be me understanding finally.
15 years that I tell myself to take and to get pass.
She wasn't for you.
She sadly just wasn't for you...