Squandering

I've squandered so many hours staring at these lights, that they've shined into years.-
I've longed for fortified towers to hold back the fight, that they've encased me in fear.-
 
Walls built too tall, leaning in from lack of foundation.-
The stones finally come crumbling down after so much hesitation.-
My bones ache from the myriad of humbling devastation.-
Cold and empty eyed, as I glance up (from the ground) searching for restoration.-
 
Clawing from the inside, the stones come crashing down upon me.-
I do not know my strength, as I lift myself,  still weak.-
Funny. There are no true answers to life which I seek.-
Thinking is content enough, just so long as I breathe.-
 
I've squandered so many moments, accumulated pausing of so many seconds.-
I've wandered so many wonders, assumed and faded in essence.-
 
I've built a moat so that the others cannot get in.-
Encircling me, I forget that I cannot swim.-
Rigimortis body is the only way my knee bends.-
I have so many memories.... I just don't remember when.-
 
I've squandered so many deaths, waiting for my life to pass.-
Now wide awake, to own all mistakes, I will no longer walk that same path.-
I've squandered so many reasons, but now it seems I've found one.-
Now the heathen, with relinquished demons, will turn aim back at the gun.-