Just a selfish write

Bring on the self loathing soaked deep in pity. Once again ive single hadly destroyed yet another day ... How manys that now 3.... 4 who honestly keeps track ive become prone to strike every nerve possible in a single flick of tonuge . to make matters worse there is no actual reason consciously at least for it i am in the wrong i am what causes all of this and I'm left pondering what the fuck is wrong with me am i truly that deranged.... clearly theres something that never developed or quite possibly died off in those first few minutes of being the living dead ...
And this god Damn silence is taunting what little strength of control  i have left even the slightest sound sends my system into hyper drive and i just want scream
 scream untill my lungs concave and collapse on me so i no longer have to choke on the lyrical words i cant ever seem to vocalize
And is it me or do these four walls continue to close in  on me at an agonizingly slow pace as if to mock my forever wish to die ...
But that is still not a page writen in this chapter so ill keep inhaling the poisonous life  and forcing another page to turn much like the hands on a clock i so wush we owned the ones with the ticking sound to lull me into that welcoming blackness of unconscious bliss if only for a moment .