deepundergroundpoetry.com
Give Me No Pity
back on the ground again
withdrawing from heroin
sweat collecting in my hair
and frigid air around
shakes keep me awake
bound to a fate
of nightmare visions
like drowning myself
no rest for the wicked
I rotate positions
like a roasted pig on a stick
every digit fidgets
witness a fiend
that wants to quit
to wear that crown
I must stick around
when it all
falls
down
withdrawing from heroin
sweat collecting in my hair
and frigid air around
shakes keep me awake
bound to a fate
of nightmare visions
like drowning myself
no rest for the wicked
I rotate positions
like a roasted pig on a stick
every digit fidgets
witness a fiend
that wants to quit
to wear that crown
I must stick around
when it all
falls
down
Published 7th Aug 2017
| Edited 10th Aug 2017
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likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 4
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The author encourages honest critique.
7th Aug 2017 10:10pm
Bad ass flow even the shakes quake
cold sold hot flashes it's snow
Nice description very vivid 👍🏼
cold sold hot flashes it's snow
Nice description very vivid 👍🏼
9th Aug 2017 4:38am
ugh, that brings me back to a bad place... nice job capturing the sickness and serving it up in a poem... good luck
10th Aug 2017 8:27pm
9th Aug 2017 6:33am
There's a quick pace to this that is carried along by the effective use of your near rhymes. There's enough room in your imagery to let the reader bring their own experience to it.
I do have some suggestions for it:
I don't think you need the end-line punctuation. The line breaks are enough give a slight pause between phrases. You could make "to" in your ninth line lowercase and just let it blend with the other phrases. Without the comma "Heroin" and "Sweat" both stand alone and it creates the phrase "Heroin Sweat."
There are also some opportunities to lose some of the small words, and one where changing a word could work.
shaking awake from these nightmare visions — "these" could be cut
they say no rest for the wicked — "no rest for the wicked" is a well known saying, so I "they say" could be cut, and I think that strengthens the line
change my position and fidget these digits — You've used "position" here and in the following line. It draws attention to itself, for me. You could also cut "and" and use a comma instead.
means i must stick around — I think if you cut "means" this line would be stronger
I like the way the last four lines create a falling, the way the words don't center perfectly.
If this is biographical, best of luck to you on recovery.
I do have some suggestions for it:
I don't think you need the end-line punctuation. The line breaks are enough give a slight pause between phrases. You could make "to" in your ninth line lowercase and just let it blend with the other phrases. Without the comma "Heroin" and "Sweat" both stand alone and it creates the phrase "Heroin Sweat."
There are also some opportunities to lose some of the small words, and one where changing a word could work.
shaking awake from these nightmare visions — "these" could be cut
they say no rest for the wicked — "no rest for the wicked" is a well known saying, so I "they say" could be cut, and I think that strengthens the line
change my position and fidget these digits — You've used "position" here and in the following line. It draws attention to itself, for me. You could also cut "and" and use a comma instead.
means i must stick around — I think if you cut "means" this line would be stronger
I like the way the last four lines create a falling, the way the words don't center perfectly.
If this is biographical, best of luck to you on recovery.
