deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Tale of Old
A Tale of Old
As moon shines down
On lovely pond
It's light skipping across
The mirror like surface
Silent fish swim
Too and fro
In water deep below
When chirping cricket
Leaps from rose of red
And hooting owl
Calls from its wooden bed
The cool nights breeze
Wanders across the earth
Kissing blades of green grass
As they grow
When star dust falls
Sparkling into a quiet night
Velvet sky wraps it tired arms
Around us
Then
Until mornings nigh and
The sun is gleaming upon
Your weary head
Which Bathes us in light
That does crown you
As moon shines down
On lovely pond
It's light skipping across
The mirror like surface
Silent fish swim
Too and fro
In water deep below
When chirping cricket
Leaps from rose of red
And hooting owl
Calls from its wooden bed
The cool nights breeze
Wanders across the earth
Kissing blades of green grass
As they grow
When star dust falls
Sparkling into a quiet night
Velvet sky wraps it tired arms
Around us
Then
Until mornings nigh and
The sun is gleaming upon
Your weary head
Which Bathes us in light
That does crown you
Published 18th Jul 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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reading list entries 0
comments 4
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The author encourages honest critique.
19th Jul 2017 1:27pm
Hullo and welcome
I see you have an affinity to stardust . good stuff
I like what you've written, very creative, really nice ambiance. picturesque
me personally, I think some of the ing words you've used might read better without them. for example
"As moon shines down
On lovely pond
It's light skipping across
The mirror like surface "
because you've started with shines, I thought skips might read better
Its light skips across
there's one or two more, but again its more of a personal thing than a rule
anyhow, good stuff
*hat tip*
I see you have an affinity to stardust . good stuff
I like what you've written, very creative, really nice ambiance. picturesque
me personally, I think some of the ing words you've used might read better without them. for example
"As moon shines down
On lovely pond
It's light skipping across
The mirror like surface "
because you've started with shines, I thought skips might read better
Its light skips across
there's one or two more, but again its more of a personal thing than a rule
anyhow, good stuff
*hat tip*
19th Jul 2017 5:44pm
Thank you appreciate your feedback. It's always welcome. Will think about that next time for sure.
19th Jul 2017 2:12pm
The meter in this flows smoothly across my mind as the imagery gently tickles my occipital pathways with natural randomness. This blanketed me in the warmth of a serenity I thought was lost in such sweet verse... very nicely painted Sami!
JJ
JJ
19th Jul 2017 5:45pm
Thanks jj trying to write old style but without the old speak haha modern twist to expand the mind..... hmm mat have just thought of another!!!
