My Fear

       One day I am going to have a beautiful home somewhere the grass grows tall and the nights are alive with starlight. Snow capped mountains will be visible in the distance while the smell of flowers permeate throughout the fields. One day I will be fortunate enough to never have to struggle again. I will never have to toil and slave away every day to try and have something more for myself. I'm going to sit in my rocking chair on my wooden porch that faces the sunset and I will watch the sun dip below the horizon every night. It sounds so surreal and blissful. It sounds peaceful and truly calming. I can assure you.. it is not. Every day I will be tormented. I will wonder why I was never good enough. Why I have lost everyone I've loved. I will wonder why that one side of my bed remains empty and cold while only the sound of the breeze can be heard making the wind chimes sing. Just wind chimes. Not the sound of a child's laughter in the garden. No warmth of a strong hand in mine and no beautiful face to gaze at in wonder as we lay tangled in our sheets early in the morning.

I'll wonder why.

      Why I was never invited to any of the parties. Why nobody gave me an ounce of attention whenever I tried to approach a friendship. I will wonder why my oak wood table in the dining room is barren each evening. Why I do not hear the sounds of wine glasses clinking together or the merriment of laughter and song but the sound of the clock ticking in the hall. I'll wonder why my phone does not ring and I do not hear a best friend's voice on the other end asking me how my day went. I will lay in bed each night remembering each and every single time someone else was chosen over me for events and ideas. How nobody laughed at my jokes but as soon as someone else made the same joke it was suddenly funny. Was it my hair? Was it the way I dressed? Did I say something offensive? Was I ugly perhaps?

And I will remember.

      All the times I was told by my family that I am nothing. That I can't be what I want because that's not what the world wants. That's not what this world demands. I will remember the stinging words of those who told me I was weak. I will remember how the only times I was paid attention to was when someone wanted to pity me or point out how weak I was. I will remember all the times I have proved everyone wrong and perhaps I will smile at my success and my victory over their lies and harassment. I will also remember my lovers. Each and every single one I have hurt or who have hurt me. I will remember how many times I have looked them in the eye and told them I loved them. I will never forget the way I felt in their arms as they stroked my hair and called me beautiful.

And I will still wonder why.

      Why I am not with one of them now. Why I was unfit for them or them for me. I will wonder why I am not good enough for anyone. Why I am not good enough for friends and why I do not deserve love. Deep down I will feel like an unforgivable and unlovable wretch. Perhaps they only called me beautiful because love is blind and they could not see beyond my skin. As I pour another shot in my granite countered kitchen I will remember each and every single horrible thing I have done and said to others in my youth and regret each and every single one. Perhaps I will die with no one left to call my own.

I fear being alone.