I'm That Friend

I'm the friend you never talk to. The one who will message you only to receive short replies. I'll shyly ask if you want to hang out only to receive a maybe or a rejection. I'm the friend you go days or weeks or even months without speaking to.
 
I'm the friend who hears the buzz of my phone and thinking its you rushes to pick it up. But it's only an app notification. I ask your friends about you for reassurance that you're okay because you never open up to me. I'm the one who's told by others I should just drop and forget you because you're obviously not a true friend. I consider it. I never do it.
 
Because I'm that friend..
 
who remembers the day we met like it was just yesterday. Who remembers the deep conversations had at 0300 in the morning on a weekday despite knowing we have to be at work in just a few short hours. I'm the friend who remembers the times spent watching Netflix and playing battlefield after a day of hard work. I remember your dreams and aspirations. Your goals of becoming the best soldier you could possibly be for this country. I look back and I wonder..
 
What the hell happened..?
 
You drifted away from me like a dandelion swept by the breeze.  Hours turned to days and days turned to weeks as you stopped talking to me and became busy with everything else. I get it, it's your life.. but did I mean anything at all? I'm that friend. The one who still persists and doesn't give up thinking that maybe you'll find your way back to me. I still believe we had something special.
 
I remember the promises you made to me. Told in the middle of the night as i opened my heart to you and revealed to you my fears and my demons. You said you'd be there for me. That all I had to do was call you and you would be there. The very touch of your hand soothed me. It cleared a path in front of me and I was safe. Nothing could hurt me.  
 
My demons returned to me and I succumbed to their words.
 
I remember the sleepless nights spent wanting to die as my anxiety drowned me in its endless ocean. I remember the voices in my head telling me to go kill myself. They surrounded and attacked me. Their gleaming knives tore into my sanity and I bled a river of endless grief I did not know how to stop. I was nothing at all.
 
I could not call in a med evac. I could not wrap a tourniquet over my severed mind. I was utterly defenseless to the endless waves of anguish that tore through my body over and over again. I could not breathe. All I could think about was how much I wanted to die. I needed your light. I needed your arms to clear the demons wreaking havoc inside me. Your reassuring words were the bullets needed to return their fire. You were not there and nothing could save me, but time. You had built an impenetrable wall of glass between us and there was nothing I could do. You broke your promise and like a fool I still hoped.  
 
I still waited for you, because I'm that friend.
 
The one who would be the very last to know if something happened to you. Nobody would tell me of your death unless i press for answers. None of your friends or family would be open to me, because they do not know me. You never spoke of me to them as if I was some secret or something forgettable. I would feel guilty for grieving over you, because you have loved ones who are suffering worse from your loss and I was just something to pass the time. And still.. I'm the one who will leave a bouquet of flowers on your grave late in the evening when no one is around to see. It is then I will weep for you.
 
And for the rest of my life I will wonder why. Why I was never good enough for you and why I still cared about you despite your abandonment.  
 
Perhaps I loved you. Perhaps all I wanted was to be loved in return.
 
I'm that friend and I am sorry.