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The Bitterness
Bitterness: it comes acerbically once he comes,
Not because she wants (it) to come hard;
Nor because she always needs him to lets it happen;
But, because his coming means her world falls
Away impoverished; and, still, she's completely his,
Impaled on the stinging need that comes so easily -
As could he, when she begs and begs (and begs)
For more grinding harshness as he pounds.
He notes an astringency in her tartness that risks
An anti-climax of pitiful, pungency providing
Nothing; if her memories form an acidic
Recollection of the drying out of spilled, sour drops,
She knows caustic commentary can't continue
While impuissant flavours mingle in her mouth;
So she never gags: after all, he owns her and
Each amaroidal sensation in her subjugated gullet.
Not because she wants (it) to come hard;
Nor because she always needs him to lets it happen;
But, because his coming means her world falls
Away impoverished; and, still, she's completely his,
Impaled on the stinging need that comes so easily -
As could he, when she begs and begs (and begs)
For more grinding harshness as he pounds.
He notes an astringency in her tartness that risks
An anti-climax of pitiful, pungency providing
Nothing; if her memories form an acidic
Recollection of the drying out of spilled, sour drops,
She knows caustic commentary can't continue
While impuissant flavours mingle in her mouth;
So she never gags: after all, he owns her and
Each amaroidal sensation in her subjugated gullet.
Published 9th Apr 2017
| Edited 10th Apr 2017
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9th Apr 2017 7:46pm
nice job twisting the fate of two impending and seemingly opposite sensations. i thought the use of '(it)' in parenthesis was cute too and showed how careful you were being with intent. (ironically 'it' became the topic of thoughts i wanted to share with you below!) you can imagine everyone enjoying such a sensuous and electrically charged voice talking about our favorite subject: Sex...and so i wanted to encourage you to give us more...by this i don't mean more lines...but i know that i find when i am using the word 'it' i try to replace it with a more poetic idea or description about what i am referring to with the original use of 'it.' perhaps try it...you might like the results and i know i am always wanting to know more behind your words :) ... check out these examples in your poem:
*It* comes so strongly...
*It* could come again...
As *it* pounds
she cannot do without *it*.
Every drop of *it*
How more delicious this poem would be (and it is delicious as is!) if those 'it's were replaced with various descriptions of what they refer to...mmmm. just a thought.
one more thought came to me when i was reading...for this line:
"with the taste of service." - i think i know what you are referring to since i have been enjoying your poetry...but i wondered if adding the word 'her' would help out a 1st reader of your work:
"with the taste of her service."
just another thought... :)
nice job as always :) and thank you for sharing such intimacy!
*It* comes so strongly...
*It* could come again...
As *it* pounds
she cannot do without *it*.
Every drop of *it*
How more delicious this poem would be (and it is delicious as is!) if those 'it's were replaced with various descriptions of what they refer to...mmmm. just a thought.
one more thought came to me when i was reading...for this line:
"with the taste of service." - i think i know what you are referring to since i have been enjoying your poetry...but i wondered if adding the word 'her' would help out a 1st reader of your work:
"with the taste of her service."
just another thought... :)
nice job as always :) and thank you for sharing such intimacy!
9th Apr 2017 10:22pm
You do have a point - the dominant also has a point - smiles and both points potentially source bitterness. If the "its" represent the ambiguity at the heart of meaning of the verses and are to an extent aimed to make you wonder whether it is the bitterness or the bitter taste of something special - maybe the dichotomy is a little vacuous but I quite liked it. If the "its" were defined with clearer adjective then the ambiguity might be resolved - which could be a pity - but I will look again as you so kindly suggest
9th Apr 2017 11:41pm
hiya...i was thinking more nouns actually :) i am just getting the hang of providing feedback on DU...i hope my comments were taken as much as admiration as trying to be helpful...the other part of me thinks you should just ignore anything i say and just go with your own instincts. ;)
10th Apr 2017 7:07am
Sometimes poetry needs to be instinctively beaten to a pulp, nouns and all
9th Apr 2017 10:48pm
it's the intent that drives..
masculine-dom to feminine-sub..
the purpose is always thoroughly conveyed
in your rites/writes..
"As it pounds and he pounds. "...
right there...the delineation is so profound
the definition of the force [ entity ]
and the act [ the thrusting man ]
clearly articulated...
always heavy erotica for thought with you..
masculine-dom to feminine-sub..
the purpose is always thoroughly conveyed
in your rites/writes..
"As it pounds and he pounds. "...
right there...the delineation is so profound
the definition of the force [ entity ]
and the act [ the thrusting man ]
clearly articulated...
always heavy erotica for thought with you..
I am sorry Naajir, but I have beaten my poem to death secretly and subversively - it really could not take too much pounding in one verse - after wresting with all those bitter viscous "its", I think it is a little more resolved without giving it all away - yay! I hope you agree to a degree
