Understand

for B
__________
You were 19, though it happened last week.
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
The best fuck of my life.
Why did you write and ask what you asked
If you were going to remove me from your life?
I remember it exactly.
Was I good? You said.
I remember exactly my response.
Oh honey... No words. No words.
Last night I took out my brother's sashimi knife
The way I took out your dick from your jeans,
Softly, tenderly, gingerly, caressing its smooth surface
With every ounce of love in me. Why do I keep fucking with younger guys?
If only I'd have known you would block me
I would have taken one last long lingering glance
At your face as you claimed my body above me,
Though I always knew, just pretended it might be different.
I remember you kept looking away from my face.
I assumed you were shy. Maybe I was so ugly to you
You needed to think of something else, pretend
You were somewhere else. What if the whole time
We had both been pretending other things.
Like me in my ludicrous mind thinking I could have you a second time.
Last night I was closer than ever in all my years
To ending it. Because of you. But I'm afraid of pain
Unless it's sexually administered. The knife is dull,
And I have nothing to hone it with,
And I'm so tired. I ache to understand guys' love
Of random cum. And everything inside me
Fully understands. Goodbye beautiful sweet perfect
Darling son. I keep hoping you'll open my snap,
Knowing it will fade away, like the scent of you in my room,
How after you left it smelled sweet like your dick,
And I just sat in silence, inhaling. Inhaling.
Swirling my finger inside me in what you left behind.
Please understand if I write about it
Something happens that purges the pain.
Goodbye. Good luck and love to you always.  
I know you're in school studying hard.
Thank you for telling me about that.
Please catch your dreams and reach for the stars.
And please dear God help me someday forget.
_________________
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X6c0fST7HrM