Numb

I want to float down stream for a little
Imagining calm days before summer starts
trying to climb the fence  to climb the tower
to see all the trees surrounding us
to see we're not alone
maybe then I would feel less lonely

when the weather gets warmer maybe I'll be better
maybe I won't be so miserable
why am I so miserable

I wish I was complaining about no air conditioning and not being able to find my old bathing suits
instead i'm complaining about everything else
and watching everyone cling to someone for the holidays

I feel numb again
i feel like the night the ocean was calling me
the night I thought it might be okay to get sucked into it's mystery
but in a way I don't imagine death;
just meditation