betrayed

This poem is the cry of many women in this old world, and some men as far as that goes.

thank you Jerry yes indeed it is..

love Brenda

Wowzers Crim.......I feel the sadness of your heart and soul burning in pain........what an unleashing of anguish........sadly beautiful and heart gripping.......purple luv & hugs xo :)

thank you lovely Flower this was written for the pain I feel from a dear friend who has been betrayed..

love Crim

It's so hard when the glass shatters. This is an aching piece. Many hugs and much love...

thank you lovely Willow indeed it is..

love Brenda

Heart-felt and saddened
write here Crim.

This world puts us all through
the crucible and fucks us
not only in the end, but
all throughout.

  Dantalyon

it does fuck us Dantalyon thank you my friend..

love Brenda

My Beautiful Brenda...you've stolen my breath here...

I love you

xoxo Taryn

thank you beautiful Taryn I love you my precious soul..

love Brenda

the pain is whole and, though, the poem is beautiful but also painful for the reader reminding us that we are human after all. I wish my mere words could balm your wounds, Lady Crim.

this was for my beautiful one Lord Hades thank you kind soul..

love Crim

'falling in on myself  
my poetry scribed  
on burned parchment  
of a heart betrayed '

I found a few tears for your drifting spirit, Crimsin, so beautiful, so broken, and so lovely...

thank you beautiful Kasai though this is for a dear friend..

love Crim

You really did an amazing job...

a beautifully sad scribe, made me want to cry, for some reason it really got to my emotions :-0

an excellent write :-)

thank you David love you my friend..

love Brenda

thank you lovely Amelia..

love Crim

It's a beautifully dark & indulgent poem.
The naration strips, the subject bare and vulnerable. Hard poetry. I like it.

Suggestions...

I feel your closing stanza would actually open this poem in a harder way...

my windows of hope    
now blackened holes    
I struggle to look through   (suggest... Struggling & to see through )
mascara smeared eyes    
as my poetic spirit drifts. (suggest removing "my" and using spirits )

(the first my sets the topic, so other my & I just makes it bump a little)

my poetic spirit drifts   (suggest removing repetitive)
far away on lonesome winds (this line would serve well opening stanza 2)
  
*    
  
falling in on myself   (in on is confusing suggest " falling through myself")
my poetry scribed    
on burned parchment   (bumpy see suggested below)
of a heart betrayed    

Suggested..  
a betrayed heart
scribed with poetry
on burnt parchment (burning parchment?)

(makes a clearer image)

keens of despair    
a desperate mewl    
tears flood my face ( suggest "flooded tears" and putting this line first so the stanza describes the emotion.) like so...

flooded tears  
keens of despair
a desperate mewl

you'll find me on the floor   ( found on the floor)
where you left me (left there in/ left bare in)
cigarette burns    
love scars    
left in the ashes   (and ashes)
holding what once was  

(just cleaning up the redundant above)

  
love notes covered in dust    
tenderly I brush them off    
set them on the mantle    
  
*    
  
pictures of you    
play on constant reel    
over and over in my mind    

(These two seem as a single image and could so be a single stanza)

Suggested...

love notes in dust
pictures on constant reel
set on the mantle
tenderly brushed off
as mental slow motion replays  

[I'd close this poem right there, the message is out. But I know Brenda wants the rest ;) ]

the way we caressed   (suggest.." we caressed")
crashed into each other    
meant to be   (meant & means repitition I'd drop this line.)
means nothing to you    

you built [for me] a glass castle (for me doesn't work there)
of dreams and hope    
then threw bricks    
breaking my barriers (the "my" bugs me, but I haven't got a decent replacement)

I love your concept and that picture rocks... The piece looks good on the page. Nice stuff Brenda  

Love
Al-x-

thank you AL you rewrote this into a stunning poem and I deeply appreciate your keen eye but if I changed it would be yours not mine..

love you AL :)

xo Brenda

Betrayal is one of the most difficult emotions to overcome. Many don't survive at all, but turn bitter and resentful in their search for revenge. I don't see you in all of that - I see you grieving something beautiful that deserves to be grieved, and I see you slowly moving on toward the contrast of that - of something you'll recognize as loyalty against the betrayal you're now experiencing.

I think practically everyone can relate to this, Brenda. You've penned a homage to the pain.

thank you graciously Sage one I wrote this for a dear friend and I think you right she will not be bitter but will bloom..

love Brenda

Brenda.. speechless.. simply in awe of your brilliance.. love you!!



Dave

thank you Dave love you my friend..

love Brenda

the way we caressed  
crashed into each other  
meant to be  
means nothing to you > I don't have the words to explain how much these lines and this poem are felt...

Shivers you gave me, dear Crim!

Love, Duende

thank you beautiful Duende you give me shivers with your poetry all the time..

love Crim

You make me blush :-)

Thank you for your words... they mean a lot to me!

Love, Duende

I love you my ladyloves
and am on a path of forgiveness ,
but its totally sucking,
and I agree being betrayed is
a very difficult thing to conquer.

Ahavati comment has  
brought it the best, so there's
my echo.

hurts to read but embracing
you here

.

thank you beautiful Malady here's to your heart healing and my dear friend who this was written for hugs my love..

xo Crim

tears of black liquid sorrow,
& all those love letters don't replace them.
beautiful emotion, Crim...

no they don't John I can only hope my lady loves heart heals..  
 
love Crim

You might have been betrayed but you're not broken.  

my windows of hope  
now blackened holes  
I struggle to look through  
mascara smeared eyes  
as my poetic spirit drifts  

It's a platitude to say there's always hope, but I suspect there's a remnant if you can still write such lines.  I wish my spirit could drift like this, Lady Crim.

thank you Sir Crow my spirit drifts for the broken heart of a loved one..

love Crim

Interesting work, I'll keep an eye out for you.

thank you I hope you enjoy your stay here i'll be watching for you as well..

love Crim