deepundergroundpoetry.com
Awaken
Awaken the real me master
cut my flesh away
the human body is such a disaster
hurry up young devil
cant you go an faster?!
My true form is here
flick out a forked tongue
whisper in your ear
"My master i will obey you,
now i have nothing to fear"
I raise my horned head to the sky
and cry a single tear.
Black angelic wings
cover my back
listen as the fallen one sings
doesnt she have such pretty voice?
cut my flesh away
the human body is such a disaster
hurry up young devil
cant you go an faster?!
My true form is here
flick out a forked tongue
whisper in your ear
"My master i will obey you,
now i have nothing to fear"
I raise my horned head to the sky
and cry a single tear.
Black angelic wings
cover my back
listen as the fallen one sings
doesnt she have such pretty voice?
Published 24th Jul 2011
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likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 968
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24th Jul 2011 8:39pm
... Benji - then it is essential you don't make basic errors. You owe it to yourself and your audience to tidy up the mistakes in lines 5 & 16.
The solution is easy of course - always triple check everything before you post.
The theme of possession is an interesting one, if you had spent longer working on this I'm sure you could have produced something much worthier which does justice to your own feelings & the potential I see here.
Keep writing ~ Abra.
The solution is easy of course - always triple check everything before you post.
The theme of possession is an interesting one, if you had spent longer working on this I'm sure you could have produced something much worthier which does justice to your own feelings & the potential I see here.
Keep writing ~ Abra.
24th Jul 2011 10:19pm
24th Jul 2011 10:49pm
If you want to treat your own poetry like comedy club no-one is stopping you. If you want it to become something more than that, then perhaps you would do well to start taking yourself seriously. An important step to becoming a writer is recognizing your own potential and the potential in others - without that we may as well all quit now - & be sure to read some decent poetry before your next post.
Best ~ Abra
Best ~ Abra
24th Jul 2011 10:53pm
25th Jul 2011 2:50am
I love it! I didn't realize any mistakes... I get caught up in the emotion of the write so mistakes are out of sight out of mind... But from now on I will check to make sure I didn't make any mistakes and if so I would want to be told! I believe that constructive critisism is knowledge and I'm more than willing to learn...
25th Jul 2011 4:24am
25th Jul 2011 9:12am
Sorry i had to come back and read it again causes it's tight! The whole thing is awsome but I love the last two lines.
25th Jul 2011 9:31am
