deepundergroundpoetry.com
I See You
.
Tell me how you feel about me
Even though we might've just met.
Where you're from and where you will be,
And I'll tell you that I see you.
If you ask me how I'm doing,
And you hope I'll say I'm fine too,
Let's pretend you're dying to know
And I'll tell you that I see you.
Rolling along, are we merely
Rolling along, just to only
See where it blows, anything goes,
Sail the ocean, seasick motion.
Walking the tide, shoes in our hands,
You've got a taste, a frosty brew
While I kick at crabs at my feet
Till the moment when I see you.
Passing the time, are we merely
Passing the time, just to only
Keep us apart, no heart-to-heart,
Skip the factors, we two actors
Sit 'neath a tree sharing the shade,
Clearing your throat just like before,
Combing my hair, don't have it made
For the moment when I see you.
This is a humorous song I wrote, a take on some cultures that when you're greeted, instead of giving a list of how you're doing, you simply reply "I see you." I love that.
The song has a cadence, a meter where each line throughout is 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. Stanzas 3 & 5 are the refrains.
.
Tell me how you feel about me
Even though we might've just met.
Where you're from and where you will be,
And I'll tell you that I see you.
If you ask me how I'm doing,
And you hope I'll say I'm fine too,
Let's pretend you're dying to know
And I'll tell you that I see you.
Rolling along, are we merely
Rolling along, just to only
See where it blows, anything goes,
Sail the ocean, seasick motion.
Walking the tide, shoes in our hands,
You've got a taste, a frosty brew
While I kick at crabs at my feet
Till the moment when I see you.
Passing the time, are we merely
Passing the time, just to only
Keep us apart, no heart-to-heart,
Skip the factors, we two actors
Sit 'neath a tree sharing the shade,
Clearing your throat just like before,
Combing my hair, don't have it made
For the moment when I see you.
This is a humorous song I wrote, a take on some cultures that when you're greeted, instead of giving a list of how you're doing, you simply reply "I see you." I love that.
The song has a cadence, a meter where each line throughout is 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. Stanzas 3 & 5 are the refrains.
.
Written by
Jade-Pandora
(jade tiger)
Published 27th Jul 2016
| Edited 28th Jul 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 11
reading list entries 0
comments 22
reads 1035
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Re. I See You
Ohhh, I'd like to know more about this subject!!!
Great write, but one critique:
"Passing the time, are we merely
Passing the time, just to only
Keep us apart, no heart-to-heart,
Skip the factors, we two actors "
'Just' and 'only' serve the same purpose which makes it redundant and weird. You probably changed one for the other when editing and just fumbled on the recovery... ;). I'd simply say - only to keep us apart or some variation there of...
Thanks so much for sharing,
-ed
Great write, but one critique:
"Passing the time, are we merely
Passing the time, just to only
Keep us apart, no heart-to-heart,
Skip the factors, we two actors "
'Just' and 'only' serve the same purpose which makes it redundant and weird. You probably changed one for the other when editing and just fumbled on the recovery... ;). I'd simply say - only to keep us apart or some variation there of...
Thanks so much for sharing,
-ed
1
Re: Re. I See You
Hi Ed, and thank you for the read and share, I'm glad you enjoyed my little song.
As for the crit, once you check out some of my other writes hopefully you'll notice I avoid redundancies like the plague unless I use them on purpose and sparingly even then.
In this case, the song has a cadence, a meter where each line throughout is 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. The stanzas 3 & 5 I use "just" and "only" are the refrains. So everything, word and line, is written exactly as I composed, and to add to the ironic humor.
There you go.😉
As for the crit, once you check out some of my other writes hopefully you'll notice I avoid redundancies like the plague unless I use them on purpose and sparingly even then.
In this case, the song has a cadence, a meter where each line throughout is 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. The stanzas 3 & 5 I use "just" and "only" are the refrains. So everything, word and line, is written exactly as I composed, and to add to the ironic humor.
There you go.😉
Re: Re. I See You
Touche, my dear... Thank for your help understanding...
I was just explaining this earlier to someone. I don't write songs, but one of my poems says:
"outside birds circle above waiting for answers
as the gods decide my fate; I think aloud, hoping
one day they will fly away now, because my corpse
has lost its potential..."
Placement of the word "now" doesn't make grammatical sense, but to me it makes sense to my poem, so I understand completely... :)
-ed
I was just explaining this earlier to someone. I don't write songs, but one of my poems says:
"outside birds circle above waiting for answers
as the gods decide my fate; I think aloud, hoping
one day they will fly away now, because my corpse
has lost its potential..."
Placement of the word "now" doesn't make grammatical sense, but to me it makes sense to my poem, so I understand completely... :)
-ed
1
Re: Re. I See You
27th Jul 2016 11:54am
Re. I See You
27th Jul 2016 2:03pm
I love this... for what could be more acknowledging than to be seen... and to see... so like, comment, RL...
what a great write!
geoff
what a great write!
geoff
1
Re: Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 5:56am
Ahh dear Geoffrey, that's often true, and thank you for your trilogy.
-tig
-tig
Re. I See You
Anonymous
27th Jul 2016 2:08pm
<< post removed >>
Re: Re. I See You
Thank you, Elario, I'm very glad. And yes, it's a wonder, the connection.
Re. I See You
27th Jul 2016 5:24pm
Re: Re. I See You
"Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes, they call me on and on across the universe..."
I thank you, my dear Katja.💫✨
I thank you, my dear Katja.💫✨
Re: Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 10:16pm
"Nothing's going to change my world", repeated like a mantra. One of my fave Beatle tunes.
1
Re: Re. I See You
29th Jul 2016 00:38am
Oh yes! Mine too... the original version that was quietly meditative with nature all around.
Jadey🌾
Jadey🌾
Re. I See You
27th Jul 2016 8:42pm
Re: Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 6:08am
Re. I See You
27th Jul 2016 10:40pm
Jade, this expresses deep sentiment. We often, in the most crowded room, feel unseen even by those with whom we converse. We all yearn to be noticed and seen for our authentic selves. I am reminded of the words of the pessimistic donkey, Eeyore, "thanks for noticing me." Brava lady Jade!
1
Re: Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 6:17am
Thank you so much, dear GW, for the kind words and devoted embrace. I most definitely see you.💫✨
Re. I See You
Anonymous
28th Jul 2016 1:18am
You're always seen, Jade.
Due to you always moving the spirit of us all.
Moving me always.
Trish
Due to you always moving the spirit of us all.
Moving me always.
Trish
1
Re: Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 6:28am
Ahh dear Trisha, let it be from altering hues of changing day's light till the flicker of oncoming night. I cherish our walks & talks.👣👣
ever
Jade🌾
ever
Jade🌾
Re. I See You
28th Jul 2016 10:29pm
When asked how I'm doing I usually come up with some safe, half-baked run down of the latest crowfly news. Either that, or "Just dandy, thanks. Couldn't be better." Just hollow pleasantries that say absolutely nothing. The words actually do get in the way of any kind of understanding. The "I see you" keeps it simple and indicates some respect. The mutual revelations can be saved for a time when they can be explored. I'd love to hear this performed as a song, Jade. Any chance of an AV version? No pressure. I love this as is.
1
Re: Re. I See You
29th Jul 2016 00:34am
Re. I See You
30th Jul 2016 3:12am
Re: Re. I See You
30th Jul 2016 3:56am