Morbid Musical: A New Song

You're the song in my heart
The light in my eyes
My muse and my inspiration
To me there can be no greater feat than having you love me.
You're the blood in my veins.
The beat of my heart
And the spring in my step.
Tonight you aren't here.
You're away from me
I feel empty
So I play this song that reminds me of you I listen to it and close my eyes
Imagining your next to me
Your hand in mine
We wind around the dance floor
Leading and following
Flowing and moving together as one
Your heart is mine
But my soul is yours
My life is in your hands
For without you I shall surely fade away
The song starts over and here we are again.
Each moment replayed
Each movement burned into my mind
So I can never forget
So I can remember what it feels like to dance with the one I love
So when I can dance once more I will never forget you.
I will never forget the way you smiled
How my heart skipped a beat when you looked at me like I was the only thing in your world.
How when you touched me it sent a fire through my veins that could not be quenched.
How when you laughed it lifted my spirits no matter how down I was
There is no end to this replay
Our dance has continued through me.
Though I dance alone I will always imagine you in my arms.
Your head on my chest as if there was no other place you would rather be.
Your my everything and you shall be the last name I utter before I pass on.
This song has played out.
Its notes have long since faded from memory and still I dance.
Still I move forward and the farther away I get from the last memories of you the harder it gets to remember the sound of your voice.
Through pictures I remember your face.
Through dreams I remember how you feel
Yet I have no recolection of how you sounded.
I cannot forget you.
Nothing can take the memories of you and I.
Yet as this dance moves farther along I must find another.
You were my life.
I gave you every piece of me.
And you took them with you.
I was broken in a way that I could never fix
Shattered into a million pieces by grief and guilt that there was no way to pick myself up.
There was nothing I could do.
Nothing I could say, think, or feel to bring you back to me.
Yet I knew that there was no way I could stand it.
I knew I was dying.
I could feel it.
My heart wanted to just stop beating.
When I lie down to sleep I knew it was the end of me.
In truth it was.
I didn't die
I didn't leave those I love behind.
I couldn't.
I wouldn't.
And so I may there in a cocoon of my own darkness.
I hid myself behind half truths and all out lies.
I'm okay I told myself. I'm fine.
When everyone knew I wasn't.
For years I let that part of me rule my actions.
My thoughts were the darkest anyone has ever thought.
A bullet.
A knife.
A car.
A cliff.
Any and every way my vast imagination could come up with to just end the pain.
And yet that was the fire of the forge.
And I was the metal.
Being tempered and hardened without ever knowing it.
All so I could learn to dance without you.
Learn to feel without you.
To rebuild myself without the pieces you took with you.
So here I am.
The music is playing.
Our song echoes through my headphones.
And I still feel you.
However you no longer lead this dance.
That is just a memory.
That is just a place to go when I am reminded of how much I miss you.
But I am not ruled by my pain.
I am not ruled by my grief.
This dance is mine and mine alone now.
I hope one day to find a partner.
I hope one day to find someone who is not you.
For you are gone away from me.
You have gone the one place I could not follow and for that I cannot forget that I never said goodbye.
So now I am learning a new dance.
One that will lead me to a place fully free of my pain and the darkness that I made my friend.
On this music plays each note different from the last.
Each rippling through my mind
Reminding me that I am no longer alone and that even when I felt that was true. It was not.
You will forever be with me.
But I cannot hold onto you.
Because I must move on.
So here I am once more wrapped up in this morbid musical of life.
It's haunting notes ring more clearly now.
And even though I must love once more.
Know that I will love you forever more.