deepundergroundpoetry.com
Tortured Union
I tore through my chest to bear to you my heart
I clawed open my rib cage hoping we'd never part
I opened my veins to show you my blood is red
You set me on fire while we were in bed
You flayed my flesh, you bit right to the bone
You used my lap like your own personal throne
You tighten your slender hands, tenderly around my neck
We left each other in a sweaty quivering wreck
I wish the pain would never ever truly end
Alone i could not for myself properly fend
When it's over, again i want to scrape against your walls
Make you scream and gush sweet flowing falls
Forever I want your torture.
Published 29th Jan 2016
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The author encourages honest critique.
First off I really like the words in your open. They get the point across well enough, BUT, please forgive me. I don't mean to offend, I only want to help......ok, so.......overall I feel the poem is flat. Although I like the words they're lacking passion. I don't FEEL the concept of the words. Does that make sense? It's my belief that a poets main function should be to invoke feeling(s) in the reader. Which feeling doesn't matter, anger, rage, passion, sadness, happiness, pleasure......etc......I just didn't get any if that. It started ok, then kinda fell off into the abyss and was lost. 😕
I'm sorry, midnite, I didn't feel anything from the words. No spark of anger or sadness.....
I hope thsts not too harsh....? I hope it was helpful at least. Keep writing we can all get better. 🐍
Moonwitch
I'm sorry, midnite, I didn't feel anything from the words. No spark of anger or sadness.....
I hope thsts not too harsh....? I hope it was helpful at least. Keep writing we can all get better. 🐍
Moonwitch
29th Jan 2016 2:04pm
No worries! thanks for the feedback. I know not everyone will like everything that's why i write for myself and if someone likes it then bonus. I'm actually happy with it, it has all the imagery for myself to remember the memories that fueled the write, but yes it does seem like it's missing more body and punch... mmm... punch... plus it's an older piece and i have written much more since then and hope i have evolved a bit :) cheers!!
30th Jan 2016 7:48pm
Great! I'm glad u took it constructively and that's the only way I should write, for u. :-}
I'm new to this site and trying to figure out how to out something up. Any advice? And I welcome ur reads and critiques once I figure it out. ☺
Good luck & I look forward to reading more of ur work.
Jaz
I'm new to this site and trying to figure out how to out something up. Any advice? And I welcome ur reads and critiques once I figure it out. ☺
Good luck & I look forward to reading more of ur work.
Jaz
1st Feb 2016 4:46am
As cheesy as it sounds the only advice I can muster up is to write from the heart and soul. From that place deep with, behind the thoughts at the front of our minds. The recesses of our burning desires where that spark of life burns like a roaring fire... ... ... I think ;P
30th Jan 2016 7:51pm
Lol....isn't that the TRUTH! What is it with us humans are we ALL essentially into S&M with or without the BD.....lol....crazy.
I agree with u tho.
Jaz
I agree with u tho.
Jaz
Interesting combination. This could almost be 'Hate Sex' erotica too or an erotic anger poem.
Just what I gather from it, could be wrong though.
Just what I gather from it, could be wrong though.
26th Mar 2016 3:36pm
Ya I agree... it brings to attention that pleasure is always coupled with pain.
7th Oct 2016 7:08am
