deepundergroundpoetry.com
Late evening visitors
We sipped french champagne
well, french Methode Traditionnelle
from french champagne flutes
well, they were cheap Arcoroc
as your french dog looked on
well, half-french, his breed
as we talked about friends and not friends
lovers and not lovers
mothers and not mothers
and took selfies together
that late eventide
and I knew our friendship was real
as were our well wishes
when the parting time came
and you and the dog
slipped silently into the night.
(footnote: the dog may be more fully French than he looks
and has a strong liking for cheese; though he couldn't care if that's French or not)
Published 13th Jan 2016
| Edited 14th Jan 2016
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13th Jan 2016 6:36pm
I love the footnote and want it to be a part of the poem somehow. (Or is it?)
Most dogs love cheese. I enjoyed the content of this; a sacred friendship sealed
with time spent between the arrivals and departures of life. It has the feel of
history with the modern twist of selfies. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
Most dogs love cheese. I enjoyed the content of this; a sacred friendship sealed
with time spent between the arrivals and departures of life. It has the feel of
history with the modern twist of selfies. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
13th Jan 2016 8:47pm
Thank you for reading. I wanted to work the footnote in too but couldn't see a way and did the lazy thing. I certainly didn't want it in the first part (where I nearly put it) because that's about three things that are 'almost, but not quite' and in contrast to the friendship.
14th Jan 2016 2:39am
14th Jan 2016 10:43am
I've lost the annoying asterisk and put the footnote in parentheses because that information is parenthetic but haven't included it in the first stanza because I think it would be too early.
Importantly I gave the dog his due and acknowledged him in the title - he was a visitor too.
Importantly I gave the dog his due and acknowledged him in the title - he was a visitor too.
Do you need the word 'footnote'? Since you have it at the end, why not make it a past tense stanza vs couplet? Like an afterthought ending the visit? Those always happen so it's believable, i.e. - the dog could've been...
13th Jan 2016 9:16pm
15th Jan 2016 8:08am
not quite champagne or crystal,
but still a pleasant ambiance.
effective...
but still a pleasant ambiance.
effective...
15th Jan 2016 10:19am
Thank you. It was a very good night and the fizzy wine was great, champgne or no.
I'm feeling bad about calling the dog half-way French though, just to make a point. He's one of the nicest little dogs you could ever meet.
I'm feeling bad about calling the dog half-way French though, just to make a point. He's one of the nicest little dogs you could ever meet.
