deepundergroundpoetry.com
its all over
there is no hope
this planet has given
all she can to us and
it doesnt seem to ever
be enough for uss, we
want more and more but
never seem to understand
that we need to put back,
lest we collapse in on itself
this planet has given
all she can to us and
it doesnt seem to ever
be enough for uss, we
want more and more but
never seem to understand
that we need to put back,
lest we collapse in on itself
Published 18th Dec 2015
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likes 2
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comments 3
reads 638
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Dec 2015 2:47pm
It's a solid message. Have you ever tried an exercise where you use as little words as possible? This disciplines one to carefully select words with the most power and eliminate the unneeded. For example,
this planet has given
all she can to us and (<-- do you really need to use 'us' since it's directly referenced in the fourth line? And, if you eliminate us, then you don't need 'to')
it doesnt seem to ever
be enough for uss,
It's just a tightening exercise that teaches the power of brevity and words. Like a sucker punch without the force of a swing behind it. Again, really good message.
this planet has given
all she can to us and (<-- do you really need to use 'us' since it's directly referenced in the fourth line? And, if you eliminate us, then you don't need 'to')
it doesnt seem to ever
be enough for uss,
It's just a tightening exercise that teaches the power of brevity and words. Like a sucker punch without the force of a swing behind it. Again, really good message.
18th Dec 2015 4:43pm
Ahavati's critique is on point. It is indeed a solid message. Thanks so much for this ink.
19th Dec 2015 9:58am
