Can You Please Leave the Room

If you wish, read the footnotes at the bottom before reading the recorded discourse below.
They give warnings and background information.


~


[recording begins]
- for fifteen years, and you say, "Don't call me that," well guess what? 'Don't bite your nails,' like I don't know that. Okay, it's just a habit. It comes out of my mouth because I've said it every day, thousands and thousands of times, over and over again, and you're all affected because I slip up and say -
- Okay, but -
- Thousands of times?
- When you bite your nails, your child doesn't dislike that. Your child doesn't feel wrong.
- You're not getting the impotence behind it. It's just - no, there's no thinking - it's not like, "Oh, I think I'm going to do this." No! - it just comes out of my mouth.
- No - okay, but I - it's - I understand that, and I've noticed that you try, and I respect that. But, like, you can't... You can't just dismiss something I want to be called - I don't want to be called - like, it's - to me, it's a big deal, so it doesn't matter if it is to you or not. Could you - like, could you respect that I - that I don't like that? Could you try?
- What is so offensive about it?
- I just - I don't know, it just doesn't feel right at all. I just - it feels bad.
- Okay. It feels bad. Biting my nails feels bad, but I still do it. Because I don't mean to, it's just a habit.
- That is not the same thing.
- Yeah -
- [voice breaks]That is not nearly the same thing.
- Oh, god, it is. It's just a habit. I - what comes out of my mouth - like, when I look at that man - I say "Daddy" or I say "honey."
- Can you please leave the room?
- No. If he all of the sudden said, "stop calling me honey," then guess what?
- Then you could try because you know that affects him. And he doesn't like it.
- I would accidentally say "honey," a hundred more times, because I've been doing it for years -
- Okay, but you have to make a conscious effort because it's somebody that you love asking you to do something, like - and it's not that big of a thing to do. Really, it's not. [shaky inhale]
- You know what's not that big of a thing to do, is to chill out -
- [voice raises] I would if I could, Mom, I've been trying to! I've really been trying to -
- No, it's what you choose to focus on.
- [voice lowers]How I choose to feel? I can't choose to feel -
- You choose to focus on [incomprehensible] -
- I don't choose to dread hearing my name come on the announcements - I don't choose to dread when we have a sub, and it's roll call, and I have to tell them I go by Izzy -
- That is weird, Isabella -
- [voice raises] Okay, yeah, I know! It's not natural -
- that is weird -
- don't do it now! - like -
- It is.
- Okay, I didn't pick it - sorry it's weird, sorry - it's inconvenient, but it's - how I feel, and -
- Yeah, and if they said, "Hey, brown-eyed girl,"
- [deep shaky breath]
- yeah? get affected about that. Guess what? That's just the way it is.
- [very quiet] It's not...
- Yeah, it is. It's a moniker. It's semantics. It's a label.
- Okay, but... if you could do something to help me more comf - to be more comfortable as your child - even if it's a phase, whatever - you should do that. I think.
- Okay, your phase changes so often that I can't keep up.
- Okay, well, it's - this has been, like, two years now.
- Yeah, well, I can't keep up. -
- It's been since freshman year. Even - and you can't keep up with -
- no -
- two years -
- because I call Max "noonoo," and I call Butterbean - is - Isabella - and I call -
- No -
- you "butter," and I mix up everybody's -
- [voice raises] What is so offensive about this though? I don't understand - like - it's just me trying to be comfortable. And if you can't, like -
- Yeah. Y- You know what? -
- How is that offensive?
- Because if this makes you uncomfortable, you are going to have a very sad, unhappy life! -
- Not when I change my name - and do something about it. I won't have to be called that ever again -
- People are gonna - still gonna call you the wrong thing!
- No they won't.
- It happens all the time!
- They'll call me my name.
- No, it happens all the time! -
- How come my friends, who care about how I feel, do more.... than you do, in that respect? They - they're - they call me Izzy. As soon as I asked them to stop calling me Isabella. It took two weeks. And they stopped.
- Okay -
- Because they made a conscious effort because they're my friends, and they cared about how I felt.
- In six months, it's gonna be something different, and then something else.
- You're dismissing it? Are you - can you tell me you're dismissing it right now?
- No, I do my best. I do call you -
- You - you're - you're dismissing this as, I'm not gonna want to in another six months, is that it?
- Oh, in six months, it'll be something different. I don't know.
- Okay, when I was in seventh - when I was in sixth grade, I didn't try out for baronettes. And you said, "You're gonna want to be a cheerleader, oh, that's just - your tomboy phase."
- Mhm.
- Alright, look at me now.
- And, it's my job to expose you to everything.
- [voice raises] It's your job to make me feel comfortable as a person - or at least, try to help me -
- Nah... I don't want to restrict you as a person.
- You're not restricting me! You're helping me!
- [noise of casual uncertainty]
- You're not restricting me. You're s- you're so -
- By reinforcing narrow-minded views, -
- It's not narrow minded. I've - I can deal with people in life. There are people that -
- You didn't -
- that -
- No. You did not want to go to Rio Vista.* You did not want to go.
- Okay -
- It was my job to make you go because I knew -
- You didn't make me go -
- yes -
- I wanted to go halfway through the year.
- In the big picture -
- I saw pictures of Max there and I wanted to -
- Isabella, stop! -
- Don't...! do it now...
- You are lying. You did not want to go.
- No, because I'd just been to Blue Streak, and I thought it was the bees' knees -
- Stop rationalizing everything. Listen to me. My job as a parent is to expose you to as many things as possible, whether you want to or not. You didn't want to go to the dentist when you were little. I made you go to the dentist when -
- [voice raises] That's not the same thing! Okay, you're not exposing me -  you're exposing me to stress and anxiety by calling me Isabella -
- Oh, get over it.
- Okay, like -
- You said the same thing about Rio Vista - "Oh, I don't want to go, I don't know anybody" -
- Because I was twelve and I went to Blue Streak and -
- You're sixteen telling me you want a different name. It's the same thing to me.
- I said that when I was fourteen.
- No, it's the same thing to me. And I don't really care, because my job -
- [voice raises] Can you please leave the room, Mom?
- No. My job is -
- can you please go away -
- to make sure that you have ample exposure to all kinds of things in life.
- [voice steadies] Okay, but can you listen to me. This isn't exposing me to anything but discomfort, okay?
- Okay, so -
- [exasperated, tired] Which I already get plenty of, every day. You have no idea.
- So was camp.
- No, okay - this is - the wrong kind of discomfort -to put your child through.
- [dismissive noise], you said the same thing about camp.
- I did not -
- You cried, and you didn't want to go.
- I wanted to go to Blue Streak because I just went there and I thought that was what camp was. That was my first one. Okay?
- You fought with me -
- This is me hav- I tried this with my friends. I've been exposed to being called 'Isabella' and I decided that I didn't like it, so now I'm trying to explore - other things, okay? New things. I'm being exposed to more th- okay? That's - you - that's what you just said. So expose me to - maybe how it feels for a parent to support me, or - not... dismiss everything I tell you as a phase because of some bullshit thing I told you when I was twelve.
- Mhm. I get it.
- You don't.
- No, all I know is that you cried, and you said, "I don't want to go, I want to go to Blue Streak" -
- It's not -
- and now, -
- the same.
- Yes it is.
- No. It's not.
- The difference is, your opinion at sixteen doesn't encompass a lot of world knowledge and world views as an opinion of a fifty-year-old. Because I knew that Rio Vista would -
- Okay, but you're not me, and you can't understand how being called that makes me feel and - so, if you could acknowledge -
- You know what, you have attached - all of these strong emotions to -  a bunch of letters in a row - I-S-A -
- Okay, well, they're there.
- Okay, well, that is unhealthy. So you need to unattach -
- [voice raises] I didn't - I didn't choose it, Mom, I didn't make myself not like it, okay?
- Okay, yes you did.
- I did not. Okay, you can't tell - you can't tell me that. You don't know.
- Here's the -
- You're not me. I'm sixteen. But you're not me. And you can't under - you can't possibly fathom -
- People hyperfocus on what they don't want to focus on -
- Don't look at me like that, Jesus Christ...
- No, it's true. You have hyperfocused on a series of letters -
- Can you please not...
- you have -
- Can you please not tell me how I feel. Because I know how I feel.
- Yeah. So, you know what? Hyperfocus on something else that means something.
- [exasperated] It wasn't my decision! I didn't decide to focus on that.
- Of course you did.
- [yelled] I did not.
- You decide every day.
- [yelled] No, I don't. Oh my god, if I could just like it, I would, Mom, I really would. And I know I look ridiculous right now, but it's - I'm not helping my case, but I'm - I guess, helping me - I'm frustrated, and -
- [bored] Okay, focus on something else.
- I'm not - it - it's not my decision! I would if I could -
- Of course you can!
- I c- I - I've tried, [voice lowers] I spent, like, two solid months trying last year. It didn't work.
[pause]
- Then you're - you're focusing on your name. There's so -
- I'm not deciding to focus on my name, Mom...
- Of course you are -
- [desperate] I didn't decide to, I just... [inhale] hearing it makes me - like - I don't know. I can't - I don't like it, and that's all you need to know. And maybe - as my parent, I feel like you should try.
- No, because I think you're spending too much time and energy on something that's irrelevant -
- I'm not spending time and energy on any- it just - taxes me because - I - I don't know why. But it doesn't - I don't like it.
- Because you focus on it.
- No, I don't! I don't decide to focus on it!
- You -
- Okay, I don't dec- I - I'm not deciding anything.
- [smiling] Of course you do!
- [shouted] Mom, stop fucking smiling at me! You underst - how you're looking at - fuck.. [crying, composure lost] Like - You're so... condescending right now, like -
- It's true!
- [exhausted] Okay. Alright.
- Focus on -
- okay -
- focus on the color of - your armpit hair.
- Fuck, that's -
- Yeah.
- That's something I can't decide. [pause] This is something I can't decide. [pause] I can't decide how - it's like, when somebody pokes you, and you feel it. You can't decide not to, like - not to feel it. If somebody pinches you, you can't decide not to hurt, like -
- No, behaviorally, of course you can change that. Of course you can, Isabella, it's what I do for a living -
- St... op.
- Yes. Every time somebody -
- Just... can you please - I don't want to yell at you, I don't want - can you please leave? Please? I really don't want to say something stupid, can you please leave?
- No.
- For me? I'm really - I can't -
- I think you need -
- I can't - I can't be rational right now. I need you to leave.
- You're not rational. Get your stuff and go to your room.
- No, I'm on here.
- Go. I'm not kidding.
- Mom, I was on -
- No. I don't care what you're doing. Turn the computer off and go to your room. Take your stuff and go -
- I'm not going to go to my room.
- Then go somewhere else other than this computer. Go.
- Well, I was just on and you came in -
- I don't care. That's what you're not understanding. Get up and leave this room.
- Are you serious?
- Yep. I am. Dead serious.
[long pause; I get my phone and poetry book]
- I can go to LSU without paying a cent of tuition. I can move out as soon as I turn eighteen.
- Okey dokey. [door closes] That's what children do.
- That's what adults will do.
[footsteps, house sounds]
[recording ends]



~

Age when recorded: 16

Context: I am transgender (nonbinary) but not out to my parents. My birth name is very feminine and makes me uncomfortable. They do not know I'm transgender; however, I have repeatedly asked them to call me by a nickname rather than my birth name. They know I dislike my birth name. They have made little to no effort to start calling me the nickname.

* Rio Vista is a summer camp I went to for five years. I did protest against going because I was told on the car ride home from Blue Streak, the first and only summer camp with horses I'd gone to, that I was to go to a different camp. I did not protest a week later when I was shown pictures of horseback classes at Rio Vista.

**This is a word-for-word account, to the best of my ability, of a conversation between my mother and I. The first speaker is my mother, and the speaker changes with every line beginning with a hyphen.

***The audio is intense and could be triggering. I will upload it when I can for those of you interested.