deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost
Too tired to get up
An overbearing sense of emptiness
Grabs me and carries me away
To a bottomless and turbulent sea of pain
Where I struggle………… drown
Waves of agony crash against the inside of my skull
Spilling over, tears running down my cheeks
It grabs my insides and rips them apart
Laughing as it casts me away
miserable
wet
lost
The hollow sound of the wind blowing
through the hole where my heart once was
Leaves me like a long forgotten leaf
Lying on the cold earth
wilting
rotting
Dead
An overbearing sense of emptiness
Grabs me and carries me away
To a bottomless and turbulent sea of pain
Where I struggle………… drown
Waves of agony crash against the inside of my skull
Spilling over, tears running down my cheeks
It grabs my insides and rips them apart
Laughing as it casts me away
miserable
wet
lost
The hollow sound of the wind blowing
through the hole where my heart once was
Leaves me like a long forgotten leaf
Lying on the cold earth
wilting
rotting
Dead
Published 21st Jun 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Jun 2011 11:06pm
I like the attempt at metaphor, using the imagery and good adjectives... Unfortunately, this poem is pretty cliche. I'd suggest trying to think of more original metaphors for depression and mental pain than an ocean of sadness. I think the second half (the wind-leaf metaphor) is along the right track, but still a bit cliche. All in all though, it's a good start, keep writing and you'll improve.
22nd Jun 2011 6:03am
22nd Jun 2011 4:59am
22nd Jun 2011 6:06am
