Go Rapture Yourself and Say Goodbye To These

Go Rapture Yourself

It was at about the age of twenty
When I was pondering the holy trinity
and it all seemed a little ridiculous to me
the thought of one holy entity
And as the years went on
This girl came along
From across the pond
With a belief system
That was all kinds of wrong

She said
you know what?
for an atheist you're not
What I expect
I said
funny, for an idiot
You're exactly what I expect
You lack common decency
At every single step
And anything you don't agree with
You simply won't respect

You told me that
All gays are evil
And Colbert is the devil
Obama is a Muslim
There's one god not several
You came from a rib
Just like every woman did
They teach this to little kids
And I find it baffling

And I'm not calling you an idiot
because you've found religion
I just kinda feel sorry for you  
because it wasn't your decision
your parents had laid the foundation
years of strategic plantation
that homosexuality
is the groundwork of Satan

So go cry me some holy water
And then come back and regurgitate the nonsense
That your parents taught ya
And please don't even begin
To listen to my opinion
Your truth may be your truth
But it ain't what I'm feeling

Now
If you believe in a higher power, the last
Thing I'm going to do is look down on you
I'm happy that you found whatever it is that helps you get through
The day to day strain
where life can truly be tough
So whatever keeps you sane
That's surely enough
Right???
No. It's not enough for you people is it?
You've gotta stamp your feet and make the loudest noise
Then people will know that your point is valid
Lie and cover up the molestation of young boys
Then have the audacity to rule over who can get married

And don't even start with "it's gods word"
Ok?
Here's a deal
you go find a picture of god
I'll go find a picture of batman
whoever gets back to this point first
wins the argument

And you have the audacity to look at me
Like I'm a fucking asshat
Because I find it more likely
That a nightly vigilante
Fights crime as a Bat
Is more plausible than your
6 days of creation
and all that

And I could almost hear a pop
as air entered the vacuum
that your body mass occupied
only a nanosecond earlier
before I took the time to remind you
That your religion is a re do
Of a religion that's a re do
Of a religion that's a re do
Of a religion that's a re do
Of a .....

I could repeat myself for hours
If you really want me to
If that's what I need to do
to get through
I'll scream it until I turn blue

So
I stroke my beard and stare off into the distance
and wonder if history will even stoop to acknowledge your existence
Or would you fade away
no memories would stay
or on this world would you
leave a permanent stain
But at the end of the day
All I'm really trying to say
Is
Please
Please don't have children


Say Goodbye To These

We've got this cat named kitty
And she doesn't care too much for me
Even though I talk to her in Dothraki
And do the things you do
To try and keep a cat healthy
I give her eats
And I buy her treats
And don't go mad when she shits
All over my sheets
And when she tries to kill me
by tripping up my feets
I'm still like
Awwwwww you so sweet

And she looks at me like
Who the fuck are you
Don't you fucking look at me
Now where the fuck is my food
Go to the fridge
Get the pouch
Then deliver food to mouth
And then fuck you I'm out
Imma go and hunt this mouse

And she kinda looks like toothless From how to train your dragon
Sad eyes
That hide
In a little ball of fluff
But she'll rip the shit out of your posters
If you don't give her any attention
Then just like P.O.S
She'll be like fuck your stuff

But I love the shit out of that little kitty
Even though she prefers my housemates to me
And although she'll never invite me
to one of her cat parties
At the end of the day
At least she's not a dog
This is a poem about my cat!