Cringeworthy

I hate when I stumble into the bathroom
To take a shit
And when I sit
The toilet seat catches me right in the cunt.
Fucking asshole.
Don't wipe with poison ivy.

Sometimes I sneeze with my mouth open
So all the lougie and mucous from
Back behind my tonsils
Comes rocketing out onto my hands
And screen.
Don't snort milk.

I believe in preventative medicine
So I broke the arms off this dude
And punched him in the face with them
For looking too hard at my guitar.
Sheriff still tells me he had a lazy eye.
Don't eat meth.

Playing possum doesn't really matter
When a well-dressed man was sticking his junk
Into a dead bird on the bus stop bench
As I was walking by.
The wrong people think eye contact is an invite.
Don't run in heels.