deepundergroundpoetry.com
I live by myself now
I woke up at 7:30, then again at 11:00
Drank coffee, ate breakfast
just a bowl of rice
Went onto the balcony
lit up under the sun
It rained at 4 am and i'd have never known
if I hadn't seen it
Finished smoking
tied my hair up
flushed my breakfast down the bowl
It never used to be like this
Drank coffee, ate breakfast
just a bowl of rice
Went onto the balcony
lit up under the sun
It rained at 4 am and i'd have never known
if I hadn't seen it
Finished smoking
tied my hair up
flushed my breakfast down the bowl
It never used to be like this
Published 16th Sep 2015
| Edited 24th May 2017
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likes 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
16th Sep 2015 9:34pm
L6 it might be worth changing it to "and I'd never have known" to
keep the continuation of past tense. It may also be worth splitting that line in two to help the whole flow.
Aside from that, I love this piece. It's a snippet of melancholy, and it's just so desperately sad. Stripped back, underneath all the superfluous bullshit we are all guilty of writing sometimes, this is the bare bones of loneliness, and it's a punch to the face. Wonderful.
Thank you for the read.
keep the continuation of past tense. It may also be worth splitting that line in two to help the whole flow.
Aside from that, I love this piece. It's a snippet of melancholy, and it's just so desperately sad. Stripped back, underneath all the superfluous bullshit we are all guilty of writing sometimes, this is the bare bones of loneliness, and it's a punch to the face. Wonderful.
Thank you for the read.
17th Sep 2015 00:54am
19th Sep 2015 9:51am
21st Sep 2015 4:31am
A stark reality absent any sparks
sounds so mechanical where emotionless parks
live our lives robotic even if not the intent
are all the emotions totally spent
sounds so mechanical where emotionless parks
live our lives robotic even if not the intent
are all the emotions totally spent
