Painful realities

I can't seem to breathe
Is it just me or is the air
Too toxic choking on the lies
I'm sorry ahead of time
I'm lost a girl gone
Where is the will to continue on
I've been down before
But somehow this burden is heavier
I'm not proud of what I'm doing
But it's a nessessity
not in my character
At least not in adulthood
I try to fake a smile when all I
Feel is depressed .
Is there a noticeable weight
On my heavy chest
I have nothing of fire
No zeal no desire
Yet I feel am I even breathing still
This sad disposition can't be real
longing for one I can't have yet
I'm filled with regret
I'm living only half a life
Please let courage guide this knife
So I may cut my heart out of me
Put it on a shelf
So I can again find myself
I need you but fantasies
Have become to hard to believe
I just can't breathe I need you
Time has stopped for me
I'm just so lost .miserable and cold
I reach out only to grasp loosely at the happiness for which I long
Just to feel selfish and wrong
I just have to stay focused
Even if focusing blurs with tears