Baby Steps

you know it's funny
she says
that she can remember being alive
in the womb
but I can't even remember first walking
and I haven't felt like myself in 4 years
give or take
this isn't me
but then again it is
this is just another step towards the future
and it's absolute shit
I'm like a baby again
I take my first step
I start listening to obscure black metal
and then dissonant saxophones
I take another step
I want to overdose on absolutely anything
everything
I stumble
I think it's a phase
but maybe I'm the phase
a dream
and when enough people stop dreaming
I'll disappear
she says she can remember being a baby
but I can't remember if I ever grew up
was it nice?
did I do everything I wanted?
was it all too traumatic?
or is it all too familiar?
sometimes I'll zone out into a possible future
like a reverse deja-vu that's just too real
and I wonder
is my mind playing tricks?
or is my body made of cheap prestidigitation?
nothing up my sleeves
or in my heart
no that's not blood
I'm sulfur and iron
I'm a rotting tornado
I'm the silence after a nervous chuckle at a funeral
at a wedding
at a hospital right when the baby's been delivered
and she can remember being there
or so she says
see my life is like the weather on the coast
it's a beautiful day
but the tide's coming in fast
with fog thicker than insomniac pillows
making nooses from bed sheets
and I don't know if I can swim