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Wow amazing work

takes you into the skin of an expirience. I really enjoyed the lucid fluidity and the sensual undertones

why thank you, DY. [:
i'm glad you thought it was fluid, i keep reading it fast and can't seem to slow it down. tons of love for the feedback. [:

great poem jesta...really enjoy it

so glad to have you 'round this way, graham. thank you lots. [:

You set a manic pace with this piece that supports the subject perfectly.  Your alliteration is nicely broken up with other syllable sounds so that it never seems excessive.  Some brilliant images here -- the opening lines are my favourite, laced with sarcasm.  I also love the idea of being transported to "some other tense", with transistor/ current/ resist building a great metaphor there.  And "shift up and make the road complain aloud" -- that's pure gold.

woo! love getting props from you, madame. thank you so much. [:

I was going to comment but I just can not add to this.  You've done a marvelous job here, J.  I love the drive to it, it made me want to get in my car and just...go.

thank you ever so much PTM. [:

J, it's beautiful, disconnected and yet connected by the rhyming scheme. I thoroughly enjoyed it. You danced about the confusion with a paint brush. It was a truly interesting piece with follow up words and dark undertone.
Brilliant. Bravo!

thanks, darling. i had originally meant to link everything by the line above it, carrying it through a 2-word-line to the next longer line, but it took itself away and i had to break the lines up. to me it feels like it makes sense, as a whole, but perhaps i've been taken by crypticism... :D
i'm so happy you like it!

good work, i like the way you used REM in your poem, is good to know about everything, thank you.

thank you for reading and i'm glad it didn't disappoint you. welcome to DU. [:  

I lik it lots. Goodd words. Heavy words.

*nod* thank ye. [:

i do enjoy reading your poetry.
the images you invoke here range from dark to peaceful to manic but with a continuity that you seem to have mastered.
fair play!!

and how i do appreciate it. [:  
 
yes, i feel a bit manic, scattered lately and it's seeping into my basics i'm afraid; but i'm happy you could find some order in it! thank you. [:

I kind of liked how random the line breaks were in this. It makes it raw, which contrasts well with the poetic expression. This was my favourite part:

"you still
scale my dreams barefoot    
connecting realities"

It defines the relationship between the narrator and the man perfectly.
Some feedback, if I may: "runs weak/disgraceful racecar." Words seem to be missing here. Would "runs weak like a/disgraceful racecar" work?
I'm not sure "tense of deep" makes sense, but I went with it after being initially jarred so I guess it's okay.
What I think would really make this poem breathe is if you divided it into two verses, making the break after the first full stop, and removed all punctuation, simulating pauses where the commas are by replacing them with line breaks. This I feel would lend to the rawness I mentioned earlier. Just my opinion. I have to say that in case you try it and it turns out to be a terrible idea haha.
Thanks for the read Jestalessa.

thank you for the suggestions, Jack, i'll try them out and see how it goes. lovely of you to stop by. [:

edit: ok, i've split it, and added "a" before "disgraceful" because it's meant to be a description of the colour. i hope i've helped it. i like it better this way i think. [:

Wow that took me on a rollercoaster ride. Keep up the good work

hey, thank you! i'm glad you could get into it and enjoy.

welcome to DU. [:

Your a hell of a writer

oh, missed this a looong time ago it looks like. thank you. [:

I admire the intimacy you have with both the camera and reciting your poems out loud. It's not just intimacy though.
Reading such an intense poem with such pleasure is almost menacing!
keep it up!!

bwahaha...  [:

you are incredibly lovely, ophie. thank you for coming back to have a look. i'm trying to get the right feel for each one... kind of glad it puts a twinge of unease in there! [: x

J

These stand out and make
a hell of a difference.

'runs a weak
disgraceful racecar
red down my side
my leg..'


'you still
scale my dreams barefoot
connecting realities..'

'sacred piece
of REM..'(A fresh adjective)


A very tangible and raw write.

It grips and takes the reader
along with. Like it bare without
punctuation.

A reread. Perhaps more.

Respect,

S'

yeah, this is one of those rumble-through-chaos writes.. i'm surprised others can make any sense of it myself, but i needed it at the time. thank you for coming back to it. [:

Great how that 'I slide' has a whole line to itself to stretch out in, makes it so a reader can pause to appreciate that fall you talk about a couple of lines previous. I like the way the shape of the words sound when I say them in my head as much as I love the words as themselves.
Ugh, Lord, why couldn't I be given one of those voices that reads things out so brilliantly and seemingly effortlessly ;)

"seemingly" being the key word there, my dear! and i would love to hear you read your glorious poetry.
 
your insightful feedback is always appreciated, thank you. [:

Have anything to say that hasn't been said, except for my own personal enjoyment of this piece. I also like how each stanza can stand on its own, like little worlds, yet combine for a whole and interesting work. Great imagery to boot.

i value all feedback, and personal enjoyment is what it's for. so, thank you very much. [: