Looking Back

On days like today,
days with snow falling slowly outside,
days with a fire in the fireplace
and glass of wine in hand,
I'd give anything to spend a couple hours with you.

Oh, I remember the days
when we used to waste all of our time on small talk
and waste all of our money on small gifts for each other,
hiding undeniably strong and prevalent emotions.

Oh, I remember the days
when you'd come over when my parents were gone
to drop some "important project paper" off
and we'd spend our time awkwardly sipping coffee
in precious, beautiful silence.

I remember the day
when I was crying because I got in a fight with a friend
and our usual good bye hug turned into a much needed embrace
in which you whispered to me a few comforting words.

Oh, I remember the days
when I was confused as to why you'd ever be interested in me
of all people, considering the age difference,
and tore myself apart denying any feelings towards you.

Oh, I remember the days
when we would pretend that nothing happened that day
and that it was nothing but a hug,
that it was that simple and that pure and innocent.

I remember the day
we got into an explosive argument
and we both broke down because we hated hurting each other
and the four hours afterwards we spent apologizing to each other.

I remember the days
that this feeling of undeniable, unconditional
love began growing in my chest and
I went through hell trying to convince myself it was nothing.

I could never forget the day
when we were cleaning your room and we found
a simple piece of paper with a couple funny doodles on it
and we laughed for a good fifty minutes about it.

I remember
when I got very sick and
while my parents were working that weekend
you brought me soup and made me tea and I fell asleep on your shoulder.

I will never ever forget
the feeling I got in my stomach and heart when
I woke up later and found your arms around me while
you slept peacefully behind me; I had been sleeping for three hours.

I remember
how lonely I was the days following,
how empty I felt and how miserable I was,
how much I missed seeing your smile.

I know we'll both never forget
the tears that fell from my eyes and
how tightly I hugged you and how happy I was
when I saw you the following Monday.

I remember the day we sat in your room
and talked about it all as if it was strictly business
and promised to never tell anyone, not even friends,
until I was older.

I still smile today when I recall
all the dumb excuses and lies I told to spend time with you;
"I'm going to dinner with friends for someone's birthday"
"I'm sleeping over at Sarah's house for the weekend."

I will forever remember the day
when we kissed for the first time.

I hope to forget the day
that I thought about how unhealthy all of this was
and tried my hardest to leave you
but only hurt you more than I did myself.

I'll always remember
when we were yelling at each other how you grabbed my arm
and pinned me up against the wall and told me everything
as we made sweet, passionate love for the very first time.

I remember when
I tried to ignore and avoid you
for a good week or so after that
because you made me question my sexuality.

I recall the day
that I came out as gay
and you literally threw me my own
"Coming Out" party; you made me feel so loved and accepted.

I remember when
I decided to put the twenty year age gap
in the back of my mind and never look back
because I loved you too much to let you go.

On numerous occasions I remember
all that we've been through and
how long we've been together
and all the happy moments we've shared.

I remember
every hour and every detail
from every time we snuggled up together,
from the way your hair smelled to what the weather was.

I remember
all of the sleepy kisses we've shared,
all of the funny moments and serious ones;
I remember when we went on a roller-coaster for the first time together.

I remember the summers and school vacations
we spent with each other,
going on adventures and reading books
and writing about everything under the stars.

Of course, I too, remember the jealousy
that we've shared through the years over everything
from spending time with friends to
spending too much time on work.

I remember how we worked through it all and finally reached a happy medium.

I will never ever forget
the day we finally said I love you to each other
and how real it felt, yet alone, how real it was and
still is in our hearts.

It's impossible to ever forget
all of the cute little things
we do for each other these days that are
purely out of habit now.

And I'll never ever forget
how you saved my life several times before
and how I saved yours
and how we changed the world for each other in only a few years.

All I can say is that I hope you never ever forget
me and that our love can continue for a very very long time,
if not forever and that I continue to cherish each and every
moment I spend with you.

I hope that no matter how cynical or depressed or cold I get
that I never ever utter the words that "True love doesn't exist"
because I know that we've found it not only in ourselves,
but in each other, too.

Melissa, I will forever love and cherish you.