forms

one would think
with all the technology
at our fingertips
forms would have become obsolete
useless bits of information
that could easily and be readily
available just by giving someone
your name

but no, we are made to
fill out forms at every turn

a time suck, really
just to keep us busy
so it doesn't seem
like we are waiting as long
for...whatever to happen

then we come to the first section
as follows:
last name first...wtf, why?
first name...
middle initial...
dob...which can make you feel good or bad just depends which side of the bed you fall off of
and then the cherry on top that discloses all...ss#


male or female...well if you can't figure that out by reading my name,
that's not my fault...i demand an explanation!
(this box had to be added because some
schlep decided to turn the tables and name their daughter Micheal)

suffix...i decided to check off all that applied:
Miss...
Mrs...
and Ms...
just to throw them off guard, and keep the little bastards guessing, which brings us to:

married...
divorced...
single...

this is as far as she got
because since they are so eager
to place us into categories
she figured she should have enough
room to state an opinion
and add a few of her own boxes
as follows:
married...not anymore and for good reason
divorced...yes, but not caring for what
this word now implies, somebody really
fucked up, but who? or worse, damaged goods handle with care, it's derogatory and filled with too many connotations to
mention that leave one feeling deflated
no matter why it happened (not liking this)
single...yes, absolutely, and proud, thank you very much...sounds strong, confident, like you still have enough gumption to take on the world (she prefers this very much)
but just to piss them off she checks them all, because it's true and adds:
married...once
divorced...once
single...hopelessy but enjoying every fucking moment because she has no choice

they are trying to get a sense of who we are...yes?
so why not make additions to this interrogating line of questioning...
because you know when they punch in your
ss# they will have every bit of info on you anyway...fucking bastards

might as well make it amusing...
line of credit...none
yearly income...none
address...none (prefer not to tell for reasons of precaution and the feeling of being MIA is growing on her)
rent/ own...yes and no
insurance...none
employed...well if i have no income, hello? is it me?
unemployed...obviously!

now i suddenly feel like Erin Brokovich
"You want my #. which # do you want, i got numbers coming out of my ears...that's my phone# and with all the numbers i just gave you, i'm guessing 0 is the number of times you're gonna call it"

predisposed to slapping stupid people with this clipboard...always

susceptible to coming down with a sudden
case of turrets during stressful moments
or when injured...always

then that long list of diseases and symptoms that require yes and no boxes:
surgeries...how many
hospitalization...how often
pregnancies
asthma
high blood pressure (if i have to sit here too much longer)
heart attack ^^^see above
allergies
cancer
sore throat
cold spells
measles
chicken pox
fear of sitting in doctors offices surrounded by sick people (that should totally be on here)
sexually active...what the fuck does that mean...i was married remember
and no i refuse to wear that doctors office Johnny i hate those things  
please list any prescription medications you are taking and why, for how long...
drug addiction: ^^^see above
predisposed to choosing the wrong people...ok in my particular case men (yeah) whatever...don't rub it in (also add male doctors and dentists to this list)  what is wrong with you people?!?!?!
hallucinating: yes please
caught in a meditative sleeping wakefulness, better known as not giving a shit: YES PLEASE
when the real question should be:
after having to fill this out, have you ever contemplated murder?

are you:
sad...
depressed...
suicidal...
lonely...
sexually inactive...
losing hope in humanty...
feeling humiliated...
embarrassed...
you feel like a mass of cosmic energy about to explode...in other words, could you go postal without warning?

this particular thread of questioning
needs a none of your fucking business
attached to it (unless of course you are)

smoker...yes
non~ smoker...yes
both can apply because it depends on what you smoke...just saying

do you have health insurance? if i am sitting here breathing then yes, that is my health insurance or assurance
Ok then...no, Thank You Obamacare

then we really get down to brass tacks,
and this has to do with nationality...
but remember they are not profiling us in any way shape or form...they are just trying to ascertain your heritage,
skin color, let's be honest Lou...
what a load of horse shit, and whether or not you are indeed an American (if we are here shouldn't that automatically make you American. if i went to Rome than i would be Roman...no, nevermind) although may be worth a try, what have i got to lose^^^see all of the above...
nothing!!  

so then add:
immigrant...
illegal immigrant...
(seems only fair)
payer of taxes
do you believe in the American Dream?
better answer yes to that because they are watching
paranoid...not at all

and of course all of this must be signed
so they also have your signature on file,
and know that you have answered all the above honestly...proving you are in a state of clear mental stability, at which point they take your blood just to be sure, and have you pee in a cup, a bit perplexing for us girls cause we can't aim like the guys...

which brings us to the or else(please be sure all info is true) ...

we won't know what that part means, an idle threat perhaps but they just have to give you that tip of the knife in your gut to keep the fear in you...isn't that, isn't this whole bit of shenanigans  a "form of bullying?"

But no, the real fun begins when that fucking door swings open and they call your name and you only have a split second to make that decision...rise and follow or drop and roll...but then you'd be on fire, or cut and run...but that gets really messy

so before you slide in to get all up close and personal doc, with that smile or is it a smirk, and your drawer of shiny tools, I'm sorry, during our very brief consultation of hi, i'm doc so and so i don't recall you saying anything about being a sadomasochist...i know let's try go fuck yourself...see how far you get,this should be entertaining, i'll just sit up here on this ice cold table and watch mother fucker