deepundergroundpoetry.com
mountain climb
as days go by and life seems more pontless
guilt and confusion becomes the only thing to worry about
shaky body
drowning eyes
sinking heart
fear and sadness of not knowing of whats to come
but knowing how you feel
how can love come to play when selfishness and unwillingness is all there is?
seems like it at least
a new life is offered
but unwilling to live it
the grass always seems greener on the other side
guilt and confusion becomes the only thing to worry about
shaky body
drowning eyes
sinking heart
fear and sadness of not knowing of whats to come
but knowing how you feel
how can love come to play when selfishness and unwillingness is all there is?
seems like it at least
a new life is offered
but unwilling to live it
the grass always seems greener on the other side
Published 14th Apr 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
1st Jul 2011 6:02pm
Typo on the first line: "pontless" should be (I assume "pointless".
I have a general comment for your poetry. I haven't read a lot of it granted but I guess a sense of disconnection from your poems. I find it difficult to dive into them and find something to explore, to feel. You do a lot of telling, but not much showing. I need to get more feelings (even bad ones) from your poems.
You start to do it a little bit in this poem where you have:
"shaky body
drowning eyes
sinking heart"
but it's not enough and it's only in one part of your poem.
The ending is fine, I think this is one time where you can legitimately use an old cliche and get away with it. You just have to build up to that ending so that I reflect on your poem and think "oh yeah, that's totally true", rather than now, where I think "oh, that's nice.".
Sorry this isn't more specific. I hope it's helpful.
I have a general comment for your poetry. I haven't read a lot of it granted but I guess a sense of disconnection from your poems. I find it difficult to dive into them and find something to explore, to feel. You do a lot of telling, but not much showing. I need to get more feelings (even bad ones) from your poems.
You start to do it a little bit in this poem where you have:
"shaky body
drowning eyes
sinking heart"
but it's not enough and it's only in one part of your poem.
The ending is fine, I think this is one time where you can legitimately use an old cliche and get away with it. You just have to build up to that ending so that I reflect on your poem and think "oh yeah, that's totally true", rather than now, where I think "oh, that's nice.".
Sorry this isn't more specific. I hope it's helpful.
1st Jul 2011 9:12pm
thank you for your honesty, alot of these poems ive done was at a time where i was diconnected with myself. so therefor, theres no connection. duh. and honestly, ive thought way to much when i write and it just turns out really sucky lol. for the past couple months tho ive been personally working on myself to find my spiritual connection. thankyou for specifically pointing this out for me. but let me ask you to keep in tune with my newest poetry that will soon be put to display.. i hope you and others will find enjoyment in them.
11th Aug 2011 7:02pm
Fragmented... but i get the picture... some of it at least...
but i like :)
slap me but i got a thing for unrefined raw poems... its a totally different feel :P
but i like :)
slap me but i got a thing for unrefined raw poems... its a totally different feel :P
