deepundergroundpoetry.com
arose as medicine
been ninety plus degrees
this first stretch
from Julius under high Helios
last night's summer storm started
and ended in fifteen minutes
now the hammock out back
beside the forsythia bush
swings pleasantly in less density
we've been up since five
conversing over coffee
with daybreak's burden
by ten we're dug into the third Obsidian Stout
on the morning of the world's bastard son's
day given to the remembrance of independence
and i remember
when the light of day seemed so trivial
even though that's where life happened
and dreaming was too easy to get anywhere anyway
so let's toast and rest and know we're peaking now
and soon come Augustus of the westernly
best to get right with the elusive bright
that has me wipe eyelid away from riddance
as the crucible converts glare into clarity
Published 4th Jul 2014
| Edited 6th Jul 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
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comments 5
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th Jul 2014 9:35pm
5th Jul 2014 12:55pm
Here's to it, indeed....cheers friend!
I thank ya kindly , JF, on swingin' thru
I thank ya kindly , JF, on swingin' thru
6th Jul 2014 3:39am
LB
often get a nice laid back feel from your writing, sometimes there's a subtle implication of the opposite, like a pastel painting of hens at play with a fox like shadow just out of eye shot to be focused upon
I think overall it reads rather well. check night's and daybreak's
suggestions:
if your not happy with the first stanza you've the option of 'the first stretch
of..'
hammock out back has a nice ring to it and you've also the option of by instead of beside if that takes your fancy. I see you stuck an 'in before less density, I think that works the line a lot better
with daybreak's burden ..I dunno man, the 'with seems a tad weak or deceptive in that it could give the impression that daybreak's burden is conversing with you both, maybe have a ponder 'bout cementing that line 'with the glare of daybreak's burden' or some other such word. or simply 'sharing daybreak's burden' ..something to make it more steadfast.
the 'by ten' stanza shows a bit of a shift in your voice, it may just need an adjustment in line breaks in the last two lines
I remember falls nicely into place, placing that whole stanza into the past tense 'even though it's where life happened. and dreaming was too easy'
and dropping the last line unto the top of the next stanza may improve it a little but it's pretty powerful either way.
woulda been nice if you could call it Augustus of the westernly, could tie it in nice with the latin type speak at the top
anyhow man, you've a great write going on here despite my appatite for suggestion. always a pleasure to drop by for a dip into your thoughts.
the show must go on, keep shinnin'
often get a nice laid back feel from your writing, sometimes there's a subtle implication of the opposite, like a pastel painting of hens at play with a fox like shadow just out of eye shot to be focused upon
I think overall it reads rather well. check night's and daybreak's
suggestions:
if your not happy with the first stanza you've the option of 'the first stretch
of..'
hammock out back has a nice ring to it and you've also the option of by instead of beside if that takes your fancy. I see you stuck an 'in before less density, I think that works the line a lot better
with daybreak's burden ..I dunno man, the 'with seems a tad weak or deceptive in that it could give the impression that daybreak's burden is conversing with you both, maybe have a ponder 'bout cementing that line 'with the glare of daybreak's burden' or some other such word. or simply 'sharing daybreak's burden' ..something to make it more steadfast.
the 'by ten' stanza shows a bit of a shift in your voice, it may just need an adjustment in line breaks in the last two lines
I remember falls nicely into place, placing that whole stanza into the past tense 'even though it's where life happened. and dreaming was too easy'
and dropping the last line unto the top of the next stanza may improve it a little but it's pretty powerful either way.
woulda been nice if you could call it Augustus of the westernly, could tie it in nice with the latin type speak at the top
anyhow man, you've a great write going on here despite my appatite for suggestion. always a pleasure to drop by for a dip into your thoughts.
the show must go on, keep shinnin'
The pastel painting of hens n foxes is an awesome analogy... Never thought along those lines, but thats very interesting to me... Think imma b aware of that an see.if i cant exploit that quality further
Fix up those 's quick like...thanks for the eyes
You know the first stanza i fought with myself over "of" or "from"... Had.of in originally, finally felt okay with the overtness of the "from" having a human quality
the daybreak's burden...hmm. Totally see.what your saying,.and in a way i think that line is the backbone of this thing.... I was implying that the conversation was with the burden, the burden was.purposelly personified... I was ok with that, but i do think its a subtle, but very important line, so if.its nudging the reader (you) in an obstructive way, im def gonna.have to think through s'more
The by ten... Yeah the voice shifts pretty heavily... Was ok with that and like the sounds of those.lines, but there is something that makes that whole.part not quite fit right for me, look into breaking the lines maybe as u suggest
Yes, the past tense works better there
Augustus could work fine,.and sounds good there
My good man, can't thank ya.enough. Sincerely
Fix up those 's quick like...thanks for the eyes
You know the first stanza i fought with myself over "of" or "from"... Had.of in originally, finally felt okay with the overtness of the "from" having a human quality
the daybreak's burden...hmm. Totally see.what your saying,.and in a way i think that line is the backbone of this thing.... I was implying that the conversation was with the burden, the burden was.purposelly personified... I was ok with that, but i do think its a subtle, but very important line, so if.its nudging the reader (you) in an obstructive way, im def gonna.have to think through s'more
The by ten... Yeah the voice shifts pretty heavily... Was ok with that and like the sounds of those.lines, but there is something that makes that whole.part not quite fit right for me, look into breaking the lines maybe as u suggest
Yes, the past tense works better there
Augustus could work fine,.and sounds good there
My good man, can't thank ya.enough. Sincerely
I think I get the with, and to be fair it makes sense now. I s'pose those kind of subtleties have a tiny risk factor where a nudge might be needed. but again, to be fair it's no real impediment. kind of kicking myself for not getting it first time round.
